Still so lost.

My shoulders slump.
My body hurts.
My eyes blur.
My heart quivers.
My arms ache.
My soul is depleted.
My child is dead.
Where is the hope?

It's been nearly a year since Peyton was born. I am trying so hard to focus on celebrating her this week rather than mourning her (her first birthday should have been this Friday) but it is so hard. So very, very hard. My emotions tax me of my energy and will; my feelings and thoughts take me back to last September. I am nearing this year mark of my child's birth, and all I can do is cry. How do I do this? How do I get through this? None of this is as it should be.

I should be celebrating first steps, finger foods, cut teeth; at least I think that is what she would be doing but having never mothered a living one year old I don't really know. I should be able to see advertisements and shows with families in them and think about how cute my Peyton would look with that toy; in those clothes; instead of being brought to tears. I am realizing, especially now, how isolated this world of baby loss is. I am surrounded by people who love me, who reach out to me, and yet I feel so incredibly alone in this new world. What is wrong with me?

I should be feeling so many things with the approach of Peyton's first birthday, none of which are supposed to revolve around grief...loss...death. How did we end up here? How did this happen to our life?

It has been nearly a year since they told me I had a "beautiful, perfect little girl," only to take it back moments later. Nearly a year since they allowed me to see her for mere moments before whisking her away to another hospital. Nearly a year since we learned of her Leukemia and started treatment. Nearly a year since I checked myself out of the hospital early to be by her side. Nearly a year since I first got to hold her, three days after her birth. Nearly a year since we gained false hope. Nearly a year since I fell so totally in love with her.

It has been nearly a year... and I am still so lost.

I visited Peyton's grave today, and somewhere between fits of tears and anger at myself, and God, and this situation, I wrote this.

Leave me,
oh, bitter wave of sadness.
Leave me.
Go!
Let me be!
My eyes need reprieve
from your cruel salty flow.
I am begging you,
please set me free.
Can't you see what you've done,
you greedy emotion?
I'm too young to always feel this old.
You've taken my child,
I have nothing left for you,
do you find joy watching me unfold?
Please leave me,
oh, crushing weight,
I beg you.
Don't you see how you've caused me to break?
My dreams have been splintered,
my joy has been lost,
I don't know how much more I can take.
Please leave me,
oh, angry bitter questioning,
take mercy on me, allow me release
from the grip that you've asserted over my life,
from my inability to find a sense of peace.

~Kristin Binder

Yes, it's been nearly a year, and I am learning that no amount of time negates the pain of loss.

****Please send prayers of love and support to Mirne and Craig who have today announced the heartbreaking loss of their third child Jet. My heart goes out to this couple who have already experienced so much pain in the loss of their first two children. Please visit them and let them know that we all grieve with them for this beautiful boy, gone from this world after only three days of life.