Why must you mock me Father Time?
I know you are no friend of mine.
You rush me from my baby girl,
with each rotation of this world.
And, yet, my future dreams hold still.
No forward movement is fulfilled.
I wonder if you plan the ways,
through seconds, moments, hours, and days
to slow me down on thoughts of grief,
and speed through moments of belief?
That something better is to come,
that this battle can, indeed, be won.
That maybe in some future space,
a genuine smile will claim this face,
as in my arms I hold a child,
whose future has not been defiled.
By Disease. Infection. Despair.
A child whose shot at life is fair.
But until then, I tick away,
day after repeat grueling day,
knowing time since I held her won't slow.
With each tick-tock, more of her will go.
To be lost to the weakness of memory.
I can feel her drifting out from me.
Your cruel visits come with each hour's chime.
How dare they call you "Father" Time?
No man whose loved or held his heir,
could turn his back on this despair.
I beg you, make this cycle cease,
Please speed through pain. Please slow on peace.
~Kristin Binder
Archive for November 2009
Why must you mock me Father Time?
I know you are no friend of mine.
You rush me from my baby girl,
with each rotation of this world.
And, yet, my future dreams hold still.
No forward movement is fulfilled.
I wonder if you plan the ways,
through seconds, moments, hours, and days
to slow me down on thoughts of grief,
and speed through moments of belief?
That something better is to come,
that this battle can, indeed, be won.
That maybe in some future space,
a genuine smile will claim this face,
as in my arms I hold a child,
whose future has not been defiled.
By Disease. Infection. Despair.
A child whose shot at life is fair.
But until then, I tick away,
day after repeat grueling day,
knowing time since I held her won't slow.
With each tick-tock, more of her will go.
To be lost to the weakness of memory.
I can feel her drifting out from me.
Your cruel visits come with each hour's chime.
How dare they call you "Father" Time?
No man whose loved or held his heir,
could turn his back on this despair.
I beg you, make this cycle cease,
Please speed through pain. Please slow on peace.
~Kristin Binder
I know my posts have been a little blah lately, the lack of BFP's has had me really down, among other things, but today is Thanksgiving, and so I am gonna change it up a bit and highlight some of the good things in my life.
This Thanksgiving, I am extremely thankful for my good health, my loving husband, my wonderful family, the fact that I have survived this year, and of course the support of great friends both IRL and here in this community. Even during those times where I have fallen deeply into the crevasses of grief, I have felt all your hands of support on me, and for this I feel a depth of gratitude that knows no words.
For the last week I have had something new to feel thankful for too, and it is that which I am going to focus on today for Mel's Show & Tell. Today I am thankful for the outpouring of generosity and encouragement that we have received in regards to our Doing Good In Her Name initiative.
For those of you who don't know, we have set up a new site in Peyton's honor at www.doinggoodinhername.com to assist critically ill infants and their families at Connecticut Children's Medical Center, the hospital where our sweet Peyton spent her life. It has only been a week, and Doing Good In Her Name is off to a great start.
A very close friend was the first to make a donation to our collection. I was floored when she gave us a check for $100 to be used to purchase food and parking vouchers to help the families with sick infants at the hospital. The parking is very costly at Peyton's hospital, and the expense can really add up. I know from experience how appreciated this gift will be.
Next we received a beautiful batch of items for our CCMC drive from a girl I went to high school with. We haven't seen each other since graduation (*gulp* 12 years), and she reached out to me last week to let me know that she had put some items together for our collection. I was blown away by her generosity. Take a peek at these wonderful things that she donated.
Then, earlier this week, I found two goodies in the Doing Good In Her Name P.O. Box. First was a $20 donation from my cousin. She has really been there for me through this last year, and her generous donation really touched my heart. Then, on the same day, another box came, sent to us by the mother of the woman who donated the above items. She too had heard about what we were doing for the little warriors at CCMC, and wanted to help. Take a look at all of the wonderful things she sent. So many children will benefit from her generosity.
I know my posts have been a little blah lately, the lack of BFP's has had me really down, among other things, but today is Thanksgiving, and so I am gonna change it up a bit and highlight some of the good things in my life.
This Thanksgiving, I am extremely thankful for my good health, my loving husband, my wonderful family, the fact that I have survived this year, and of course the support of great friends both IRL and here in this community. Even during those times where I have fallen deeply into the crevasses of grief, I have felt all your hands of support on me, and for this I feel a depth of gratitude that knows no words.
For the last week I have had something new to feel thankful for too, and it is that which I am going to focus on today for Mel's Show & Tell. Today I am thankful for the outpouring of generosity and encouragement that we have received in regards to our Doing Good In Her Name initiative.
For those of you who don't know, we have set up a new site in Peyton's honor at www.doinggoodinhername.com to assist critically ill infants and their families at Connecticut Children's Medical Center, the hospital where our sweet Peyton spent her life. It has only been a week, and Doing Good In Her Name is off to a great start.
A very close friend was the first to make a donation to our collection. I was floored when she gave us a check for $100 to be used to purchase food and parking vouchers to help the families with sick infants at the hospital. The parking is very costly at Peyton's hospital, and the expense can really add up. I know from experience how appreciated this gift will be.
Next we received a beautiful batch of items for our CCMC drive from a girl I went to high school with. We haven't seen each other since graduation (*gulp* 12 years), and she reached out to me last week to let me know that she had put some items together for our collection. I was blown away by her generosity. Take a peek at these wonderful things that she donated.
Then, earlier this week, I found two goodies in the Doing Good In Her Name P.O. Box. First was a $20 donation from my cousin. She has really been there for me through this last year, and her generous donation really touched my heart. Then, on the same day, another box came, sent to us by the mother of the woman who donated the above items. She too had heard about what we were doing for the little warriors at CCMC, and wanted to help. Take a look at all of the wonderful things she sent. So many children will benefit from her generosity.
This is how my day started this morning.
Hubs. So....
Me. So?
Hubs. So... are you hiding something from me. *big grin* are you hiding the test?
Me. Oh... no. I threw it in the trash.
Hubs. Oh...
Me. It was negative... again.
I wish I hadn't surprised him with the test when I was pregnant with Peyton.
Just another day in the life...
**By the way, my day got worse when I accidentally posted this on the Doing Good In Her Name site, thinking I was working on this one... I felt like such an idiot.
This is how my day started this morning.
Hubs. So....
Me. So?
Hubs. So... are you hiding something from me. *big grin* are you hiding the test?
Me. Oh... no. I threw it in the trash.
Hubs. Oh...
Me. It was negative... again.
I wish I hadn't surprised him with the test when I was pregnant with Peyton.
Just another day in the life...
**By the way, my day got worse when I accidentally posted this on the Doing Good In Her Name site, thinking I was working on this one... I felt like such an idiot.
Just a quick post here. So many of you had commented about the adorable ornament that I had offered for my first blog giveaway, asking if there was any way for you to contact the artist and buy one for yourself. I wasn't sure, since mine was purchased at a local craft fair, but I promised that if I found any contact info I would share it with you. Good news, I got a call today with the following info.
If you would like to order one, send an email to Allison at beadsprout@yahoo.com. My understanding from the woman who provided me with this email is that quantities are fairly limited. I hope this helps.
**I should mention I didn't speak with Allison directly, but instead to the woman who ran the show, so unfortunately I can't make any guarantees about Allison's schedule, turnaround time, availability etc. But I do hope she gets back to you all, and that you are able to get the ornaments.
Just a quick post here. So many of you had commented about the adorable ornament that I had offered for my first blog giveaway, asking if there was any way for you to contact the artist and buy one for yourself. I wasn't sure, since mine was purchased at a local craft fair, but I promised that if I found any contact info I would share it with you. Good news, I got a call today with the following info.
If you would like to order one, send an email to Allison at beadsprout@yahoo.com. My understanding from the woman who provided me with this email is that quantities are fairly limited. I hope this helps.
**I should mention I didn't speak with Allison directly, but instead to the woman who ran the show, so unfortunately I can't make any guarantees about Allison's schedule, turnaround time, availability etc. But I do hope she gets back to you all, and that you are able to get the ornaments.
The air, thick with rain, sits heavily on my lungs.
You know the truth though, don't you little one?
It is not the air at all, nor the rain.
It is not the gray skies, nor the clouds that loom foreboding.
It is not the season, nor the date.
The holidays, nor their meaning.
It is this loss.
Whole. Heavy. Unyielding.
It is this loss that makes brief the happiest of moments.
It is this loss that brings tears among strangers in crowds.
It is this loss that makes the simplest of questions difficult to answer.
Do I have any children?
Did I have any children?
I wonder, is she still mine if she is now His?
It is this loss that hangs like a weighted cloak.
It is this loss that places depth in everything.
It is this loss that allows nothing to pass without being assigned symbolism.
It is this loss, and I can't fight it.
There is no solution.
It is bigger than I am.
Stronger.
More determined.
It is this loss, and it is winning.
~Kristin Binder
****
Sad news to report. The little boy, Noah Biorkman, who asked for Christmas cards, passed away this morning. Please join me in praying for strength for his family. It is a testament to the generosity of the human spirit, and should be noted, that this sweet warrior received over 1 million cards in the last few weeks.
The air, thick with rain, sits heavily on my lungs.
You know the truth though, don't you little one?
It is not the air at all, nor the rain.
It is not the gray skies, nor the clouds that loom foreboding.
It is not the season, nor the date.
The holidays, nor their meaning.
It is this loss.
Whole. Heavy. Unyielding.
It is this loss that makes brief the happiest of moments.
It is this loss that brings tears among strangers in crowds.
It is this loss that makes the simplest of questions difficult to answer.
Do I have any children?
Did I have any children?
I wonder, is she still mine if she is now His?
It is this loss that hangs like a weighted cloak.
It is this loss that places depth in everything.
It is this loss that allows nothing to pass without being assigned symbolism.
It is this loss, and I can't fight it.
There is no solution.
It is bigger than I am.
Stronger.
More determined.
It is this loss, and it is winning.
~Kristin Binder
****
Sad news to report. The little boy, Noah Biorkman, who asked for Christmas cards, passed away this morning. Please join me in praying for strength for his family. It is a testament to the generosity of the human spirit, and should be noted, that this sweet warrior received over 1 million cards in the last few weeks.
Not much to report here... unfortunately.
We are still wishing for the elusive BFP, but stick after stick seem to confirm what the doctors have told us, that bringing another little life into this world will take work, and tests, and medication, and procedures. I will keep praying though, AF is not due for another day or two. We were supposed to meet with the genetic counselor this past week to see if there could have been any hereditary cause for Peyton's cancer, but the appointment was canceled. Apparently the hospital where Peyton spent her life has not yet sent over her medical records, and the appointment was contingent on the counselor having a chance to review our medical histories as well as Peyton's to see if she can spot anything test worthy. This is more than a little frustrating seeing as how the records were requested almost two months ago, and were promised to be sent within thirty days. Our fertility appointment was set to happen after meeting with the genetic counselor, and that too has been canceled... a reschedule contingent on our rescheduled genetic counseling appointment. So we wait, and wait, and wait.
I have talked about this here before many times, about how our life seems to be on pause. Every time we try to take a step forward out of this hole, boulders fall into our path and beat us back. All around us I see families growing. My sister is due to have her third this week. A very close friend who was pregnant with her first at the same time I was, is due to have her second in the new year. Life moves on around us, and all the while we fall farther and farther behind. It's a double edge sword really. I am afraid of not getting pregnant. I am afraid of getting pregnant and losing another baby. I am afraid of never getting through this grief. I am afraid of getting through it and losing Peyton in the process. In babyloss and infertility, there are no simple answers.
Today in church I felt just so overwhelmed. I was thinking about my pregnancy with Peyton, about how sure I felt at the time about my future. I thought of all the plans I used to make, and how all the stars were seemingly aligned before Peyton's birth. We were ready. How could everything have gone so terribly wrong? How could I not have known? I know the questions are useless, but my heart can't stop asking them anyway. How can there exist this huge community of families ripped apart by babyloss, when the nightly news tells of countless children suffering from neglect? How can there be so many couples suffering with the pain and disappointment of infertility, in the same world where countless women line up at clinics seeking solutions for unwanted pregnancies? I have lost many hours of sleep wondering if there is any justice at all in this world.
I just don't understand why the prospect of having a family has to be such a painful one. Hubs and I love each other. We want to share that love with a child. Why does it all have to be so difficult?
I am sorry this post is so blah, and bitchy and down, but that's just how it is sometimes. Truth be told, I had really hoped to be closer to some answers by now, either from the genetic counselor, or from the fertility Doc about our next steps, but it seems life has other plans. So we continue standing still... Waiting. Worrying. Wondering.
Not much to report here... unfortunately.
We are still wishing for the elusive BFP, but stick after stick seem to confirm what the doctors have told us, that bringing another little life into this world will take work, and tests, and medication, and procedures. I will keep praying though, AF is not due for another day or two. We were supposed to meet with the genetic counselor this past week to see if there could have been any hereditary cause for Peyton's cancer, but the appointment was canceled. Apparently the hospital where Peyton spent her life has not yet sent over her medical records, and the appointment was contingent on the counselor having a chance to review our medical histories as well as Peyton's to see if she can spot anything test worthy. This is more than a little frustrating seeing as how the records were requested almost two months ago, and were promised to be sent within thirty days. Our fertility appointment was set to happen after meeting with the genetic counselor, and that too has been canceled... a reschedule contingent on our rescheduled genetic counseling appointment. So we wait, and wait, and wait.
I have talked about this here before many times, about how our life seems to be on pause. Every time we try to take a step forward out of this hole, boulders fall into our path and beat us back. All around us I see families growing. My sister is due to have her third this week. A very close friend who was pregnant with her first at the same time I was, is due to have her second in the new year. Life moves on around us, and all the while we fall farther and farther behind. It's a double edge sword really. I am afraid of not getting pregnant. I am afraid of getting pregnant and losing another baby. I am afraid of never getting through this grief. I am afraid of getting through it and losing Peyton in the process. In babyloss and infertility, there are no simple answers.
Today in church I felt just so overwhelmed. I was thinking about my pregnancy with Peyton, about how sure I felt at the time about my future. I thought of all the plans I used to make, and how all the stars were seemingly aligned before Peyton's birth. We were ready. How could everything have gone so terribly wrong? How could I not have known? I know the questions are useless, but my heart can't stop asking them anyway. How can there exist this huge community of families ripped apart by babyloss, when the nightly news tells of countless children suffering from neglect? How can there be so many couples suffering with the pain and disappointment of infertility, in the same world where countless women line up at clinics seeking solutions for unwanted pregnancies? I have lost many hours of sleep wondering if there is any justice at all in this world.
I just don't understand why the prospect of having a family has to be such a painful one. Hubs and I love each other. We want to share that love with a child. Why does it all have to be so difficult?
I am sorry this post is so blah, and bitchy and down, but that's just how it is sometimes. Truth be told, I had really hoped to be closer to some answers by now, either from the genetic counselor, or from the fertility Doc about our next steps, but it seems life has other plans. So we continue standing still... Waiting. Worrying. Wondering.
I often find that I stumble across reminders all the time, no matter where I am. I am hoping that I will come to terms with those reminders in time.Love the angels from the craft fair. How perfect!
Jill
mom to twins in heaven, Emma and Chase
Enjoy the Red Ornament Jill, I am only sorry I don't have two to give away, one for each of your sweet angels. Please email me at doinggoodinhername@gmail.com with your address, and I will drop this ornament in the mail for you next week. To everyone else... thank you so much for sharing your angels with me this week, and for participating.
I often find that I stumble across reminders all the time, no matter where I am. I am hoping that I will come to terms with those reminders in time.Love the angels from the craft fair. How perfect!
Jill
mom to twins in heaven, Emma and Chase
Enjoy the Red Ornament Jill, I am only sorry I don't have two to give away, one for each of your sweet angels. Please email me at doinggoodinhername@gmail.com with your address, and I will drop this ornament in the mail for you next week. To everyone else... thank you so much for sharing your angels with me this week, and for participating.
First, I really wanted to share these two photographs, sent to me from Holly, Carleigh's Momma. Holly was spending the day at a beautiful park, and decided to bring our little Peyton, and many of the other babies from this community, along with her. She wrote them each, name by name, remembering and honoring these children among the beauty that nature was surrounding her in. I have seen so many of these pictures on various blogs this week, all gifts from Holly, which really speaks to her caring and kind nature.****
This is where my first blog giveaway comes in... FINALLY... I know...
First, I really wanted to share these two photographs, sent to me from Holly, Carleigh's Momma. Holly was spending the day at a beautiful park, and decided to bring our little Peyton, and many of the other babies from this community, along with her. She wrote them each, name by name, remembering and honoring these children among the beauty that nature was surrounding her in. I have seen so many of these pictures on various blogs this week, all gifts from Holly, which really speaks to her caring and kind nature.****
This is where my first blog giveaway comes in... FINALLY... I know...
To the man who has twice in the last week allowed his dogs to roam free and treat the cemetery like their personal bathroom... what is wrong with you? Where is your respect? Can't you see the love and care that people have put into these grave sites? Don't you feel the holiness of this ground?
To the man who has twice in the last week allowed his dogs to roam free and treat the cemetery like their personal bathroom... what is wrong with you? Where is your respect? Can't you see the love and care that people have put into these grave sites? Don't you feel the holiness of this ground?
The sun rises,
cars pass,
bikes move,
people mill around,
shops open and close,
x's mark dates on the calendar,
the world continues turning,
but not for me child, I stand still.
I am in limbo,
walking the line between what was,
and what is.
Between a life imagined,
and that which was realized.
Between youth,
and age.
Between naive happiness,
and the pain of wisdom.
I try to understand.
I try to find answers.
It is a fruitless pursuit.
There are none.
Some call you an angel,
a tragedy,
a spirit,
a terrible thing that happened,
a victim of odds,
in a better place.
They have so many labels for a life cut so short.
I just call you daughter.
~Kristin Binder
The sun rises,
cars pass,
bikes move,
people mill around,
shops open and close,
x's mark dates on the calendar,
the world continues turning,
but not for me child, I stand still.
I am in limbo,
walking the line between what was,
and what is.
Between a life imagined,
and that which was realized.
Between youth,
and age.
Between naive happiness,
and the pain of wisdom.
I try to understand.
I try to find answers.
It is a fruitless pursuit.
There are none.
Some call you an angel,
a tragedy,
a spirit,
a terrible thing that happened,
a victim of odds,
in a better place.
They have so many labels for a life cut so short.
I just call you daughter.
~Kristin Binder
Carly, over at The Secret Garden Meeting, has posted my essay "Sea Glass" to her site. Being chosen as The Garden's first guest writer has me feeling honored beyond words. Be sure to head over and check it out.
The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful resource for those living in the babyloss community. Each month they pose questions which parents respond to on their own blogs. It is a wonderful way of bringing the community more closely together.
Thanks again Carly for the honor.
Carly, over at The Secret Garden Meeting, has posted my essay "Sea Glass" to her site. Being chosen as The Garden's first guest writer has me feeling honored beyond words. Be sure to head over and check it out.
The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful resource for those living in the babyloss community. Each month they pose questions which parents respond to on their own blogs. It is a wonderful way of bringing the community more closely together.
Thanks again Carly for the honor.
It has been over a year since Peyton went to rest on her hill, and last week came a truly bittersweet milestone, the laying of her stone.
The old me could never have imagined having to do this. The old me could never have imagined being in a place so unfair and unnatural that I would have to design my child's gravestone. As much as the old me couldn't have imagined it, the task was before us, and as truly painful an obstacle as it was to face, as Peyton's parents, Dru and I were committed to doing it together, and committed to doing it right.
After many, many months of designing, scrutinizing, and redesigning, we finally reached a place where we felt in our hearts that our objective had been accomplished, we had captured Peyton's beautiful spirit in stone.
Today, for show and tell, I share this newest addition to Peyton's Hill with all of you.
An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."
We also had them engrave her little hat. This hat was blue with a green pom on top. It is a hat that my mother in law made for her, and also the hat we chose to have her buried in.
I know it was a long time coming, our little girl has waited thirteen months now for her stone, but we feel in looking at it, that it was well worth the wait.
To see what others are showing click here.
It has been over a year since Peyton went to rest on her hill, and last week came a truly bittersweet milestone, the laying of her stone.
The old me could never have imagined having to do this. The old me could never have imagined being in a place so unfair and unnatural that I would have to design my child's gravestone. As much as the old me couldn't have imagined it, the task was before us, and as truly painful an obstacle as it was to face, as Peyton's parents, Dru and I were committed to doing it together, and committed to doing it right.
After many, many months of designing, scrutinizing, and redesigning, we finally reached a place where we felt in our hearts that our objective had been accomplished, we had captured Peyton's beautiful spirit in stone.
Today, for show and tell, I share this newest addition to Peyton's Hill with all of you.
An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."
We also had them engrave her little hat. This hat was blue with a green pom on top. It is a hat that my mother in law made for her, and also the hat we chose to have her buried in.
I know it was a long time coming, our little girl has waited thirteen months now for her stone, but we feel in looking at it, that it was well worth the wait.
To see what others are showing click here.
A few weeks back, I was contacted by a fellow babylost momma, Salma, to write an essay for her newest initiative, a shared creative space called A Room Of One's Own.
Salma, who lost her sweet baby Hussein to stillbirth earlier this year, has created the site to bring women from all walks of life together. The mission statement of the site reads:
"To look at how women creatively navigate through life processes, and find a place of healing, hope, and love of self and community."I am honored to be this week's featured contributor. Please head on over here to read my submission, as well as to familiarize yourself with this wonderful new site.
A few weeks back, I was contacted by a fellow babylost momma, Salma, to write an essay for her newest initiative, a shared creative space called A Room Of One's Own.
Salma, who lost her sweet baby Hussein to stillbirth earlier this year, has created the site to bring women from all walks of life together. The mission statement of the site reads:
"To look at how women creatively navigate through life processes, and find a place of healing, hope, and love of self and community."I am honored to be this week's featured contributor. Please head on over here to read my submission, as well as to familiarize yourself with this wonderful new site.
This month's Secret Garden Meeting poses the following questions.
Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?
In the beginning the grief was a constant nightmare. For whatever reason, that phase, the phase where each breath is more painful than the last, and just thinking about the next day would bring tears, ceased around eight months. I don't know what the significance of that time was, but I welcomed the way it allowed a little reprieve. Since then, I have remained where I am now, in this stagnant place of frustration, anger, disbelief and exhaustion. I feel totally stuck in the tears and wonder at what could have been. Every once in a while I get this sense like maybe there is some fresh air coming into my life, and then the reality of the situation comes calling again, and I remain chained in place.
There are, of course, breaks in the clouds... moments to get lost in, some that even bring laughter and smiles, but with their highs tend to come fresh lows and I end up smacked back to reality by reminders. My child is gone. They tell me. She is never coming back. Grief can be cruel that way... as much as you might like to, it never allows you to forget.
It has been thirteen months since Peyton fought her last fight for life in my arms, and I knew at the moment she left that there was no going back to the way life had been. I felt a piece of me die with her. I know that other mothers who have suffered child loss are probably the only ones who can completely understand the depth of meaning in that statement: "I felt a piece of me die." For me, what left was that beautiful, optimistic, naive and hopeful piece. The piece that believed that prayers could bring miracles, and that God would take pity on a defenseless little baby. With my child struggling in my arms, that piece left, and took with it any and all expectations and beliefs that I had placed on the future. It is hard to find peace without that piece.
Often times I find myself in the company of people who tell me they had a sister/friend/cousin/college roommate/acquaintance/co-worker/neighbor etc who went through this type of loss and went on to have 2, 3, 4 healthy children. They were able to find their "happy" again. My greatest hope for the future is to look back on this period with my husband and say,
"Do you remember that, how scared we were, how hopeless it all felt? Look at how far we have come. Look at the joy in our lives. Look at our healthy children. Look at how blessed we are."
In that respect, I guess my hope for the future really is to just be a normal mom.
To visit the Secret Garden and read how other Babylost Mommas have answered this question, please click here.
This month's Secret Garden Meeting poses the following questions.
Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?
In the beginning the grief was a constant nightmare. For whatever reason, that phase, the phase where each breath is more painful than the last, and just thinking about the next day would bring tears, ceased around eight months. I don't know what the significance of that time was, but I welcomed the way it allowed a little reprieve. Since then, I have remained where I am now, in this stagnant place of frustration, anger, disbelief and exhaustion. I feel totally stuck in the tears and wonder at what could have been. Every once in a while I get this sense like maybe there is some fresh air coming into my life, and then the reality of the situation comes calling again, and I remain chained in place.
There are, of course, breaks in the clouds... moments to get lost in, some that even bring laughter and smiles, but with their highs tend to come fresh lows and I end up smacked back to reality by reminders. My child is gone. They tell me. She is never coming back. Grief can be cruel that way... as much as you might like to, it never allows you to forget.
It has been thirteen months since Peyton fought her last fight for life in my arms, and I knew at the moment she left that there was no going back to the way life had been. I felt a piece of me die with her. I know that other mothers who have suffered child loss are probably the only ones who can completely understand the depth of meaning in that statement: "I felt a piece of me die." For me, what left was that beautiful, optimistic, naive and hopeful piece. The piece that believed that prayers could bring miracles, and that God would take pity on a defenseless little baby. With my child struggling in my arms, that piece left, and took with it any and all expectations and beliefs that I had placed on the future. It is hard to find peace without that piece.
Often times I find myself in the company of people who tell me they had a sister/friend/cousin/college roommate/acquaintance/co-worker/neighbor etc who went through this type of loss and went on to have 2, 3, 4 healthy children. They were able to find their "happy" again. My greatest hope for the future is to look back on this period with my husband and say,
"Do you remember that, how scared we were, how hopeless it all felt? Look at how far we have come. Look at the joy in our lives. Look at our healthy children. Look at how blessed we are."
In that respect, I guess my hope for the future really is to just be a normal mom.
To visit the Secret Garden and read how other Babylost Mommas have answered this question, please click here.
I'm Angry...
At God
At fate
At odds
At cancer
At loss
At grieving
At secondary infertility
At myself
At decisions
At not being able to save her
At having to live in a babylost world
At her doctors
At the limits of medicine
At the lack of answers
At Leukemia
At her blood for betraying her
At the lost dreams
At the way my heart can't let go
At the pain
At the sadness
At the relentless questioning
At what this has done to me
At what this has done to my husband
At feeling misunderstood
At isolation from others
At isolating myself
At fears
At memories
At the constant reminders
At all of it
I'm Angry.
I'm Angry...
At God
At fate
At odds
At cancer
At loss
At grieving
At secondary infertility
At myself
At decisions
At not being able to save her
At having to live in a babylost world
At her doctors
At the limits of medicine
At the lack of answers
At Leukemia
At her blood for betraying her
At the lost dreams
At the way my heart can't let go
At the pain
At the sadness
At the relentless questioning
At what this has done to me
At what this has done to my husband
At feeling misunderstood
At isolation from others
At isolating myself
At fears
At memories
At the constant reminders
At all of it
I'm Angry.
we can get together for this brave little boy.
we can get together for this brave little boy.
I have been in a sort of weird place these last few days, doing most of my writing in poetry form on various scraps of paper and in my journals, so I haven't been blogging as much as usual. I know I am a little late on posting, but I wanted to still participate in Show and Tell this week.
I was torn between two things that I wanted to share, and have opted to save the second for next week, so today I am going to talk about the beautiful gift that I received in the mail on Monday from Carleigh's Momma, Holly. Holly offered really beautiful giveaways last month in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My gift, and many of the others, were created by My Forever Child. I felt such joy when I received this gift in the mail, and of course, had to go up to the grave to share it with Peyton. While I was there I took these pictures.
Isn't it beautiful? This lovely necklace boasts a pink and blue (the picture just doesn't do it justice) Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Ribbon.
I have been wearing it with my little bootie charm that I was given by my mother in law at Peyton's funeral. This charm has her name engraved on the back.
To see what the rest of the class is sharing, visit here.
I have been in a sort of weird place these last few days, doing most of my writing in poetry form on various scraps of paper and in my journals, so I haven't been blogging as much as usual. I know I am a little late on posting, but I wanted to still participate in Show and Tell this week.
I was torn between two things that I wanted to share, and have opted to save the second for next week, so today I am going to talk about the beautiful gift that I received in the mail on Monday from Carleigh's Momma, Holly. Holly offered really beautiful giveaways last month in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My gift, and many of the others, were created by My Forever Child. I felt such joy when I received this gift in the mail, and of course, had to go up to the grave to share it with Peyton. While I was there I took these pictures.
Isn't it beautiful? This lovely necklace boasts a pink and blue (the picture just doesn't do it justice) Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Ribbon.
I have been wearing it with my little bootie charm that I was given by my mother in law at Peyton's funeral. This charm has her name engraved on the back.
To see what the rest of the class is sharing, visit here.
A new day has dawned,
~Kristin Binder
*********
For those of you who don't know her, Mel is an incredible woman who does a tremendous amount of good connecting those of us in the Baby Loss, Adoption and Infertility world. Please head over here and offer her some comfort, as she mourns the passing of her grandma... an incredible and spunky woman.
