Happy 1st Birthday Peyton

For the last eleven months I have wondered how it would feel to wake up today, on your birthday, without you here. There are so many bittersweet emotions on this day, and I am at a loss for words or poetry to do them justice, so I will share some photos instead, snapshots of your birth and the moments after. I love you baby girl and miss you immensely.

Happy Birthday!

Daddy and I were so excited to meet our little one.

After your birth, they brought you in to say hello before transferring you. We didn't know you were sick so this was really hard. We wanted to hold you so badly.

Daddy held your little hand first.


And then I got my turn.

You looked around for a while, grabbed your pacifier and then fell back asleep. I was amazed at how you didn't even seem to notice all the commotion around you. You were just beautiful.

It was so hard to say goodbye, but they needed to get you to a bigger hospital.

Daddy followed you to the NICU and held your hand for me. It broke my heart to not be able to go, but the C-section made leaving impossible. Grandma stayed by Mommy's side, helping me make sense of what was happening while Pop Pop and Daddy went to see you. They brought pictures and video of you back to me that night, and told me about the Leukemia diagnosis, the odds, and the treatment plan. I was devastated and in total shock. Your Daddy was so strong those first days, traveling between the two hospitals to be by both of our sides. I missed you so much and wanted to be with you, but it would be thirty more hours before the hospital gave me the green light to check out early.

Happy Birthday My Sweet Baby Girl. I Miss You.