This Friday will mark one year since you left this earth, and as I write this to you I wonder how that can be when the thought of you, of all that you went through, of holding you that very last time still brings the same physical response. Time has been no match for these automatic things. The clenching in my heart. The rush of heat to the back of my eyes. The feeling of being completely overwhelmed. The urge to fight out of disbelief. Nearly a year has passed my sweet girl, and yet so little has changed. The days mark off the calendar. The lives of those around us progress. My body and face, showing signs of age, testify to the passage of time, but the progression of our lives, of our dreams, of all we had expected and hoped for remains still, shocked by all that happened into a state of perpetual pause. Your room sits untouched. Your presents sit in piles, still neatly wrapped. Your clothes, never worn, hang on hangers with tags. Nearly a year has passed, my sweet girl. Nearly a year, and I am still waiting.
About Me
- Once A Mother
- I lost my first pregnancy in '07 to miscarriage, but held out hope & soon learned that my husband & I were expecting again. My pregnancy was picture perfect. In September 2008, after 42 weeks, I gave birth by c-section to my 1st child, a beautiful baby girl, Peyton Elizabeth, who unbeknownst to any of us had Infant Leukemia (ALL w/ MLL) the odds of which fell around 1 in 50 million. Peyton blessed us with her beautiful smile & unguarded love, never letting on just how sick she really was. For 28 days she fought with the heart of a prizefighter & we held onto the hope that she would beat the cancer & the odds. Infant Leukemia made Peyton an angel October 2, 2008 & a piece of me left with her. A year later we began trying again & learned that an infection from my c-section with Peyton had destroyed my tubes & left me infertile. After two rounds of IVF, we are pregnant with twins. I write this blog as a tribute to Peyton, and my journey through life without her. I don’t know where this story goes, or how it will end, only that loving & mothering Peyton has left me forever changed & losing her has washed a perspective over my life that I could never have anticipated.
Little Peyton mommy needs you to give her strength as your day approaches. Embrace mommy and let her know that she is still your mommy. She will always be a very special mommy.
I wish I could give you a hug. I just know how much it is needed.
It is hard to believe that time continues to pass without them. I understand that waiting feeling, I think a part of me will always be waiting for my daughter to come back.
Thinking of you this week especially xo
I'm approaching my year without my son shortly and I know the feeling of angst that comes with it. I wonder how we as parents survive one minute let alone one year without our children. I'm so sorry your beautiful girl isn't here with you. Hugs
I am so sorry. This is so heartbreaking. It is cruel how time keeps going when we feel like it should stop.
XX
Thinking of you and your beautiful little girl. I feel babyloss has aged me 100 years.
Tears fall for you my friend...
Thinking of you and sending you love. We all hurt for you as you miss your Peyton. Remembering her and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
I am coming up on 6 months and that number is hitting me hard. One year...it's just horrible and cruel and I just wish I could change it. I wish you were planning a birthday party and stressing over how many people to invite and what kind of cake to get.
I wish, I wish.
Thinkin gof you and your darling little girl.
As each month passes, I'm in more and more awe. How did the time go by without them? First it was a day, then a week, then a month, then a year. We are actually approaching 20 months since our twins and just hit 10 months since our son all were born and died. I still cant believe it. I dont know that I ever will really.
Sending you warm thoughts as you remember your sweet daughter and this year...
Grief tends to come back in a strong and horrible wave at the year mark... I wish I could be there with you to give you encouragement. They say time heals all wounds, but we who have experienced the loss of our dear babies know otherwise. We will never heal from this, but we can learn to work through it. I'll be here to talk if you need me.
I just passed the milestones that mark the loss of my three...
You never forget. The pain remains. Keep moving forward. You have to go on, you MUST go on. Peyton is waiting for you, and will be proud of you for the strength and grace you exhibit in the face of tragic circumstances.
This has made you a stronger, more resilient person, and it is such a horrible burden to carry, the "why me" of it all... when it could have been someone else. Someone else to be made stronger, more resilient. You were chosen because of your strength. Believe it. Writing about your loss... has inspired many, including myself.
Please do not give up. After losing my twins and then our adoptive son, I finally became a mom, decades later, just when I felt like it was never meant to be...
But Isabella, Dominique and little J... will forever be in my heart. We will all be together again someday... as you will be with Peyton. Keep writing your pain and your truth. You are helping many get through their own grief and loss.
hugs tam
Thinking of you and your sweet Peyton this week.
Your presents sit in piles, still neatly wrapped. Your clothes, never worn, hang on hangers with tags. Nearly a year has passed, my sweet girl. Nearly a year, and I am still waiting.
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I do not know how you feel, but I understand, and I hope that knowing there are others who feel your pain makes a bit less painful.
Reading and re-reading your posts I realize that each month brings something different (something new), it is something we will always carry.
Your words above brought tears to my eyes...this is exactly what I would have said.
Our babies are with us...
"Nearly a year, and I am still waiting."
That is very powrful to me. I am still waiting too. Waiting for normalcy to rturn, though I don't think it ever will. Waiting to be with my girls again, hoping someday it will happen. Waiting for the pain to go away, never. I think we may spend the rest of our lives waiting.
Thinking of you and your sweet Peyton in the days to come. xx
I am so sorry its almost been a year. It pains me to see you going through this too. My son E's first birthday and Angelversary were on the 16th of this month, and it was very hard. So many "what ifs", so many tears.
Just know that sweet Peyton is looking down on you every day. She marvels at her mommies strength, and wishes she could be in your arms.
*hugs* from one heartbroken momma to another.
Half of a duo... almost made me cry with her post. Sometimes when we stop striving so hard, we find what we're looking for...
And I believe that will happen for you, Krissy. I believe that you're a wonderful person who deserves wonderful things to happen to her. Not because of God or anything else. Just because you're wonderful and you deserve wonderful things, because I know that you'll pay those wonderful things forward...
I wish you strength during this time...
Sending you love and strength in hopes that you and yours will be able to find a way to get through this difficult time. I will be lighting a candle for your precious Peyton over the next few days.
Thinking of you, dear lady, with heaviness in my heart for us all. Wishing you strength and much love...
Deb