Ever have a question you just can't seem to find an answer to? Losing Peyton, I have many, but there is one in particular that I have been struggling with quite a bit lately. I have always had a clear vision of what my dreams for this life would be, and these dreams now feel so impossibly unreachable. So here it is, the question I am throwing out to the blogosphere because no newspaper horoscopes or shakes of the Magic 8 Ball seem to be helping ... how do I get there from here?
About Me
- Once A Mother
- I lost my first pregnancy in '07 to miscarriage, but held out hope & soon learned that my husband & I were expecting again. My pregnancy was picture perfect. In September 2008, after 42 weeks, I gave birth by c-section to my 1st child, a beautiful baby girl, Peyton Elizabeth, who unbeknownst to any of us had Infant Leukemia (ALL w/ MLL) the odds of which fell around 1 in 50 million. Peyton blessed us with her beautiful smile & unguarded love, never letting on just how sick she really was. For 28 days she fought with the heart of a prizefighter & we held onto the hope that she would beat the cancer & the odds. Infant Leukemia made Peyton an angel October 2, 2008 & a piece of me left with her. A year later we began trying again & learned that an infection from my c-section with Peyton had destroyed my tubes & left me infertile. After two rounds of IVF, we are pregnant with twins. I write this blog as a tribute to Peyton, and my journey through life without her. I don’t know where this story goes, or how it will end, only that loving & mothering Peyton has left me forever changed & losing her has washed a perspective over my life that I could never have anticipated.
Oh how I wish I did. I am praying for God to give me the answer so I can help all of the grieving mothers in our world. ((HUGS))
I have been staring at your question for I know 10 mins. I have started and stopped a comment several times, and there just isnt one perfect answer because we all travel this road so differently. I wish I could layout the perfect plan of healing and recovery but I just cant. My best advice is you just wake up and breath everyday. Some days that task is harder than others but over time the weight on your chest doesnt seem so over powering and you can take a step. One day you might run, but it all has to start with a breath. Praying for you and that you are able to find your own answer to than question.
I don't have an answer for that. Instead I will be on this journey with you & maybe just maybe we can find that out together....
You readjust the dreams. You take it day by day. You do what you need to to take care of you. You open yourself up little by little to joy and hope again. And more than you like you fall down or get knocked down or feel like you are getting no where. Then you reach out and let people help you and love you and encourage you. And you get up meet the next day. You may never get the original dream, but you may find something quite lovely, quite wonderful.
I don't know.... And I don't think that I will ever know. I'm just doing the 'one day at a time' thing, always wishing for today to be over and for tomorrow to come. It feels like I'm wishing my life away one day at a time. Just trying to make it to tomorrow. You know? I feel very stuck, and wonder if this is the kind of enthusiasm I will have for the rest of my life.
I don't think there is a bridge that even connects the two. I think it is putting one foot in front of the other daily and one day finding yourself in a "better place". What constantly helps me is knowing that Jenna would want me to be happy and live. It's not always easy but for her, I at least try. Hoping you the best. xx
I wish I had the answer.. I wish I could shake that magic ball and give it to you.. I wish I could call 411 and God answer and HIM give me the answer for you. I'm praying for you..
I think of you often, when listening to the Christian Channel 99.6 (here in Los Angeles) Focus on the family with Dr. James Dobson.
He had a visitor on by the name of Ann (I didn't get her last name) as the canyon walls block out most of my station while driving.
The one things she said after losing several babies was.. she took Grief by the hand. She couldn't hate it..she couldn't love it..but she could Hold it's hand, and hand it to God.
I've been looking for her on the internet (even going to the website) of that email I sent you. I still haven't found it.. when I do I'll send it to you..
For now.. I'll leave you with a hug..and my hand. Take it and squeeze!
HuGZ
Oh, How I wish I had an answer for you. I'm trying to figure that one out as well.
I don't know. But you aren't the only one asking that question if that brings you any comfort.
My husband and I were dreamers, planners. I think that is what brought us together. We had our daughter's name picked out for years before she came into existence. Sadly that existence was only to be brief.
We don't have our little dreams and schemes anymore. Even those that most people would classified as part of everyday life seem too hard and full of pitfalls. As other have said 'one day at a time' is all we can do for now.
Thinking of you, I wish that the Magic 8 ball could tell us all the answer to your question. xo
I don't have the answer either but I know with all our prayers and support, you'll find a door in time.
((hugs)) and have a blessed Sunday.
I wish so much I had the answer to that for you, but I'm struggling along, too. But I send you all good thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
I don't know that you ever really get there. You just keep putting one foot in front of another and one day your view is less cloudy. Your dreams are changed, you are changed. It is different for everyone. A year is still such a tiny blink of time. Keep writing, keep remembering.
Sara said it. You readjust the dream. You create, mold, and define the life in front of you based on the experience you had - and although you don't truly believe that she had to come and go for these things to happen you say things like, "this has become my purpose" and "maybe I was always meant to fill this role".
Potentially little white lies we tell ourselves to keep going - possibly the truth.
Another question without an answer.
one day at a time.
Maybe you need a new "there."
Maybe the dream you thought would come true can never be, but there is a future where you are needed and loved. Maybe Peyton can't be there with you in the way you'd hoped, but she is there, just as Jesse is for me.
I'm not sure there's a way from where we are to our fondest dreams, but I'm pretty sure that we get out of bed for a reason, even if we're not sure what it is.
One thing I've learned about you through this blog is that you have a talent: you are gifted with love, and sooner or later you will find a place where your love is needed. Maybe that is your new "there."
I believe that regardless of whether you or I believe in God or a religion, that there is a purpose for us. I don't need faith in that, any more than I need faith that the morning comes.
It's hard to say goodbye to the future we thought we would have-- I'm not sure how to do that. It still hurts like it happened today, every day. But I can't let that be all there is. Someone needs me, even if Jesse can't. So I get out of bed, dry my eyes, and start moving. Even if I don't know where I'm going, my purpose will find me.
I wish I had the answer, I wish I had the answers to all of my questions. I don't.
One day at a time, one moment at a time. Maybe one day the answer will come clear...but I can't guarantee that. I wish I could.
*hugs*
I wish I knew. I think that maybe our dreams and visions have to change. We now have to live with a heavy heart, but tht doesn't mean we can't enjoy the life we have, even though it is without our babies.
I hold on to hope for dear life. Even when it feels fleeting and fragile. There are days when I ask the same question as you. I try not to hold too tightly to what I thought life would look like now, at this age. Like Sara wrote above, I feel like each day I readjust my dreams a little bit. And I try to trust, to believe that it is all unfolding in a way that will make sense much later in my life. Yes, one day at a time. I don't make many plans anymore, at least not long and far away ones. Sending love to you.
Listening to Iz on your blog...Somewhere over the rainbow...one of my favorite versions of this song...makes me cry, but it reminded me of something. You see a rainbow...and you can't ever touch it. It's not really there. At least, not in a touchable form. You can only experience that rainbow from a distance. It's too magical to be touched. It's the far away distant place that reminds us that there is something worth looking forward to here on earth, even when things are so dark and lonely.
Dear sweet mama....keep walking. Keep reaching out. You will never touch the rainbow you want so badly...but you will keep walking forward...suddenly, you will be "there". We all will. The only way to get there from here is to keep walking. ((HUG))
I wish I knew...
Don't stop moving forward and never stop dreaming. Know that God has a plan for you. Don't despair (though you probably will) if it takes time for that plan to come to fruition.
I recommend griefshare.com they send daily devotional and prayers and little things out every day, for people grieving over loss. One of my best friends lost her 17 month old son to a tragic in-home accident. She recommended it to me.
We all grieve tremendous losses, in life the loss of a child is the most senseless, helpless agonizing feeling, over and above everything you can experience in life. You have already experience the singularly most difficult thing a human being has to face. You are here and helping others by writing about it.
Blessings to you sweetheart. Keep moving forward, hard as that may be. You have so much wisdom to share and so much love to give, so much life to live.
tam
our cousin lost 2 babies from the same disease my daughter had.. I asked her how she got through it, how she re-focused.. how does she seem okay?? she said she adapted to the new normal..she's not ever gotten over it, and its still painful, she just had to set new goals..she said she started with very short term goals and they just kinda grew from there.. I am still working on it myself.. I do know that I will never be the "old me" again..it just doesn't happen..as far as I can tell anyway..I wish I had something more enlightening to offer..
I'm not sure there is an answer. Perhaps there is. There's the 'one day at a time' and 'put one foot in front of the other' but sometimes you just want to chuck those up against the wall. I know what my dreams and goals are. I know that those dreams and goals will make me happy. So I press on. Some days are crap and some days are great. I live for the great ones.
I wish I knew. You do have so much to share. Keep writing and remembering. I think one moment at a time is the best way for our journeys...
I don't know you but as I read your words I realize once again that there is a sisterhood of those who have had to say goodbye to their children. It isn't a group that anyone would ever choose to join but when life throws you there you find that it is filled with many beautiful souls reaching out and finding comfort in each other.
I don't know the answer to your question. The journey through grief is so personal for all of us. I know for me I spent a year and a half not being able to see beyond the next minute. I was floundering. I found comfort in my family and friends and faith but I always was left with that horrible feeling of despair. It has been four years now since she left us and I can see that I have come a long way. I am always searching for ways to include her in our lives and that brings me comfort but I am not stuck like I was for so long. I don't have to tell myself to keep breathing anymore. It just comes naturally. I hope that time brings you peace on your journey.