The Ups and Downs of "All Systems Go"

Tomorrow morning, at a little after 8 AM, hubs and I will be heading to the RE for our egg retrieval. I would by lying if I didn't say this has me all jumbled up. There are SO MANY hopes hanging on this very important procedure. That being said, between the hormones and the self injecting, the fear of the super long progesterone shots that will be going into my back starting in the next few days, and that debacle with my shot last night, I guess being jumbled up is to be expected.

If all goes well tomorrow, our child(ren) will be conceived via petri dish on April Fools (also my mother's birthday) transferred on Easter, a pregnancy test would come tax day, and their birth due right about Christmas Eve. In my family, my mother, father, sister, and myself, all have birthdays falling on a calendar holiday, so I have decided to take the timing of this cycle, and these funny dates, as a good sign.

As excited as I am for this *hopefully* new journey towards parenthood, none of that excitement quells how deeply I am missing Peyton. I find myself wondering what she would be doing, or about how different secondary infertility might feel, if I had my beautiful girl home to mother.

I am scared (out of my mind actually) about all the answers we don't have regarding how it was that our little girl was born with Leukemia, and am praying that I am doing, and have done, all that is necessary to keep these new little eggies from a similar fate. A beautiful fellow babyloss and IVF momma sent me some CD's of IVF meditations, and I have been using them to find some peace from the worry and anxiety, in the moments that my heart allows.

I don't know how many eggs will be retrieved tomorrow. I have been bordering on OHSS, an overstimulation condition that I REFUSE to Google because I already have enough on my mind. What I do know is that at yesterday's ultrasound they counted 60 follicles on my left, and about the same number on my right. Yes, you read that right, SIXTY follicles, a number that has me praying for God to *please give us enough healthy embryos from these follicles to make a family, but not so many that we can't use them.* Despite the science involved in IVF, I consider each and every child created by my husband and I as just that, a child, and the possibility of facing a lot of unusable embryos is something that tests me a great deal.

The woman doing the ultrasound also told me that my ovaries have grown so large that they are now touching. I know I am no doctor, but on all the diagrams that I saw during my years in public school sex-ed class, I never remember seeing an image of two ovaries hanging out together. It was always my understanding that they were sort of loners, taking turns each month at doing their own thing. The image of them bouncing into each other in there sort of gives me the heebie jeebies.

Because of the risk of OHSS, I have been put on a high salt intake, and Gatorade diet, and advised to do little to no exercise so as not to risk twisting an ovary. This is hard for me, because exercise is a big outlet for my anxiety, and water is my drink of choice, but doctors orders are doctors orders, so here I sit, on the couch, 2 liters of gatorade on my left, a salty black bean concoction for lunch on my right, and the cautiously optimistic hopes, that we may finally be moving towards the promise of parenthood, swirling around in my mind.