Why Me?
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Okay, I know that no good comes out of asking these question, but you know what? Sometimes, I can't help it. It is there, behind my forced smile screaming to be heard: "Why me? Why her? Why us?"
Last night, while flipping through the stations, I came upon an episode of the show 16 & Pregnant, and I couldn't help but wonder... WTF?!?! In the episode, an overly tanned and under-matured girl was more concerned (during the 2 minute snippit of the show that I actually watched) with drama concerning her boyfriend, than the arrival of her child, and there I sat, mouth agape, wondering... how is it that I can be such an utter failure at something that comes so easily to this immature little tart?
Yes. You heard me right. A failure.
I have failed at baby making.
I COULD NOT make a healthy baby. I CAN NOT get pregnant. There is no part of childbearing in my future that won't require surgical assistance to either implant a child into my body, or deliver one from me.
I can't help it. This feeling, This sense that I have failed miserably comes out of nowhere to overwhelm me. I used to be that person who set her mind to something and got it done. What happened to her? I can't solve this. It is bigger than me.
It breaks my heart that the act of conceiving and then pushing a child out, something that so many women jokingly complain about, is a dream out of my reach. This reality crashes down over me time and time again and I can't do anything to shield myself from the pain that comes with it. I am unable to do what my body was made to do. I am unable to perform the most basic female function.
I have been left, broken, holding the bag on this one and it feels so unfair. What makes me so goddamn undeserving...
Why Me?
Oh sweetie, I am thinking about you! Peyton is never far from my heart. xx
Thinking of you!
Oh Kristin, praying and thinking of you.
I have no answers, but I do have prayers to offer to God on your behalf.
Because sometimes, really terrible things happen to amazing people like you.
I pray to God to give me the answers, I so much want to help heal all the broken hearts. I am so sorry. ((HUGS))
Doesn't seem fair just doesn't seem to cut it, does it? It seems cruel. I get disgusted just looking at the titles of those shows, and then when I actually see a snippet myself, I want to throw up.
I'm SO sorry your heart is hurting and I know tons and tons of people will say this very thing, but you are NOT a failure. There is no way anyone can look at the precious pictures of Peyton, see her look up at you with those perfect little eyes, and see you as anything but a HUMONGOUS success as a woman, a kind and caring soul and most importantly, a loving and dedicated mother. Period.
Thinking of you...
It is unfair -that's all I come back too whenever I end up in the 'why me' place. I don't think any of us did anything to deserve this.
Hugs and thinking of you.
xx
God loves you and has a plan for your life. My heart goes out to you and I am always thinking of you. *hugs*
I ask myself this too...especially when 2 different friend on seperate occassions told about their friend's 16 year old daughter who had just had twin boys!!! WTF is right! It makes me so angry that this 'child" has her babies, but I, who can provide my children with a stable and loving home, do not have mine. Anyway...I am sorry, you are not a failure in my eyes. xx
It is SO stupidly unfair.
And you are wonderfully deserving.
And I have hope for you.
And I'm sending you the biggest hug.
And I'm going to stomp around the kitchen now on your behalf.
(and I too think "why me" far too often)
xxx
I wish I knew why you, why any of us, because then maybe we could fix it? It's the most unfair part of it all.
I'm so sorry.
I wish I could give you everything you deserve and more!!!!!!!!!!
GIANT hugs to you, my friend.
I kinda know how you feel... everyone around me has healthy and totally normal pregnancies.. while, I lost our first at 31 weeks gestation and almost lost our second .... all because of my anatomy .. all my babies with experience IUGR ... Its not fair to have to lose a child .. at any age. And, what you went through ... the loss that you experienced; Im sure the "why me?" will linger for many many more years.... and there is no problem with that. You can ask God that question over and over again, he hears you, and maybe one day you wont burn for an answer as much ....
I hope that someday the "why me?" and the "how come?" can be fixed ...
no parent should be orphaned.... its just not fair!
God Bless
Why me, why all of us? So not fair.
xo
I too have had infertility problems in my life. A lot of women do, and I can almost guarantee you that ALL of us going through such things ask "why me?" Sending up lots of prayers for you and answers SOON! God Bless.
Why indeed? I certainly don't think you did anything to deserve this! And I am very sorry for you.
I have felt similar emotions to this myself and they are very hard to deal with. My heart goes out to you.
I hope you get to enjoy bringing a baby home and that this brings you some healing.
Your post inspired one of my own! AGAIN!!
http://livingintherainbow.com/2010/03/16/why-me-in-numbers/
I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain. Peyton was such a beautiful little baby and I too can see the wisdom in her eyes.
I ask that everyday. I don't understand. I wish we could get that answer. I think of you & your little girl everyday.
Just sending hugs honey, the feelings are mutual. Love, Nan xxxooo
I so wish I had an answer for you.
(((Hugs)))
I don't know. It is so horribly unfair. xo
Why me... Why us?
I don't know either... Recently I met a girl where I know she was on heroin (and other drugs) during her pregnancy... and guess what? Her girl is just fine. Not that I want her be dead, too. I just wonder WHY ME? Why didn't my son get here alive?
So I'm right there with you.... wondering WHY.