Have any of you dealt with someone who really should have been there for you during the loss of your child, yet chose to be completely absent? We all know that child loss is taboo, and sort of expect certain friends and acquaintances to focus their energies elsewhere, but there are some people, who above all others, should stick around.
I write on here often about our incredible family and friends, and it is true, we have been blessed... for the most part.
But then there is that one couple, a couple, who for reasons of anonymity on this blog I won't give specific title to but we will just say that they are of very close blood relation (aunt/uncle, brother/sister, grandma/grandpa, type close). This couple has chosen complete absence from our lives. There was no call. No card. No attendance at the funeral, or bouquet of flowers. Nothing except a few text messages sent in the early days that even acknowledged that Peyton had died. A few typed keys, and pressing send. That is what our child's life meant to them, and it sucks.
We have seen this couple only once since Peyton's passing, at a family gathering. This was yet another opportunity for them to offer their condolences, and they chose instead to poke fun at hubs for having put on a little bit of weight since they had seen him last, weight that had come about as a result of his grief, rather than ask how we were doing, or tell us they were sorry for our loss. I could tell you that this left us angry, but mostly we were hurt.
Yesterday I posted a status on FB about some of the goings on in the world, and received an argumentative response from one member of this couple. Okay, I am as open to debate as the next person. Friends and family rarely agree with my political views on anything, so I am used to opposition and that is fine, but this really bothered me. Like really, DEEPLY, bothered me, that the first contact from this couple would not be to see how me and hubs are doing, or ask about Doing Good In Her Name, or IVF, but instead to argue with my opinion on an issue.
I have to say that honestly the politics involved really didn't matter all that much, what threw me over the edge was a final line, one snarky remark insulting me for not having properly spelled this person's wife's name. Excuse me? Really? Our child died and you said nothing, and THAT, a freaking typo, upset you?
This comment was like a spark that blew the top off of 18 months of resentment, and I responded with something to the affect that I was disappointed that of all the things going on in our lives these last 18 months, my opinion on a current event was the only one worth reaching out to me over.
I left the comment up just long enough that I knew they saw it (a few minutes or so) and then deleted it, deciding that my feelings towards them didn't need to be put out on display in front of FB people I don't know. They were my intended audience of the message. The message was received. Delete. Could I have taken the high road here? Of course. Should I have? I am still unsure.
In an email chain that started last night, the wife told me that she was "disguisted" with me, saying, "Good luck to you because if you're willing to go there that quickly over something so petty - you are going to need all the luck you can get." She had completely missed the point of my message, and went on to provide me with a list of reasons, most all my fault in her mind, as to why they couldn't reach out to us after Peyton's death. Here are some of the highlights.
*They don't have my phone number
*They can't respect the way I have handled my grief
*My lack of compassion and consideration for others
*I am selfish
And my personal favorite:
*We only gave them a few days notice for Peyton's funeral.
Seriously?
In one message, the person insisted they had reached out repeatedly (I didn't realize texting now constituted reaching out to a blood relative over the death of their child), and then in the next wrote, "Have I reached out to you directly? Nope and it's because I'm not going to support you in this." The "in this" being my inability, as stated in one of her other messages, to get over Peyton's death. She told me, "Another reason I personally have not reached out directly to you is because I don't coddle. I don't. I'm that person you rant about on your blog who believes there comes a time to stop being selfish and step back out in the world." I guess I didn't realize that sharing my feelings in this space, and being open and honest about this journey made me selfish.
So all of this back and forth leaves me wondering, do I care? Really? Do I care about the opinion of a person who, though a close relative, found my daughter unworthy of mention past a few text messages? A person who, when called out on this, chose not to apologize but rather to throw my grief in my face, using terms like, "martyr" or "brass, self centered and arrogant"?
Honestly, I'm not sure anymore that I do.
OMG. Really, just wow. My jaw hit the floor when I read "list of why they couldnt reach out". really? I mean thats just insulting and absurd.
I have had my own issues with my family acknowledging that I had a daughter who died. Only my mom and 2 of my siblings choose to accept this. they and my dad as well as my husband at the time went to the funeral. No one else. Its funny, my family like cousins and aunts and uncles would call when I was pregnant asking if "I was ready" and "are you sure we cant take the baby off your hands" in a joking kind of way. Yet when They all knew I was in the hospital and that Genesis died no one, not one person called, emailed, texted or sent a card with their condolences. No one ever mentioned the baby ever again. It was as if it never happened in their heads. As a matter of fact, the day I got discharged with nothing but a pink blanket my brother decided it was the best time to call me on my way home from the hospital to tell me that he and his wife were expecting. I seriously still am hurt by this to this day, and yet Ive never said anything.
But getting back to your situation... if that were my family member I would cut ties all together after that. Maybe Im not as kind as others but if they clearly didnt care about my daughter, they clearly dont care about me and I dont need people like that in my life.
Im so sorry about that. I can only imagine how you feel. Its sad that complete strangers on the internet are kinder than biological family at times.
Hey - I am so sorry that, on top of everything else, you are having to deal with this. I also am going through something similar - although not quite as harsh as your relative. My situation is a friend, who I thought was a best friend, who I have been friends with for more than half my life, is no where to be found. Not with loss 1 or loss 2. Ya, we got a card... but she lived 1 mile from me and never once came over just to sit with me, or see how I was doing. And then I get guilt-ridden emails from her saying she calls to try to check up on me... but she doesn't. I have really been struggling with this, and our second loss 2 months ago brought it all up again. I was so mad that I was crying over her instead of the loss of my second baby. I was so hurt and sad. But then, after a lot of talks with my hubby and some true best friends, I realized that right now, she is not where my energy needs to be focused. Maybe someday I will deal with her and we will talk about how badly she has hurt me. But right now, I don't need the tears for her, the knot in my stomach, and the sleepless nights that she is causing me. Yes, I may still have those things - but if I do, I want them to be because I miss my babies with all my being, not because a friend is being dumb. I don't really have any advice for how to make this happen, except that every day, I try to remember where my energy needs to be focused. And right now, it is on getting healthy, healing from this miscarriage, grieving and crying over my babies, and trying to make and grow a healthy baby when the time comes. I know how badly it hurts to have someone not be there for you when you truly, deeply need them... I read a quote somewhere that says something about how parenthood makes you loose the people you should have lost a long time ago anyway (or something to that effect)... and maybe that is true. But no matter what, right now, you HAVE to be selfish - and I don't really think of it as selfish. I think of it as survival. So, do what you need to do, and know that those that deserve you and your friendship will be there for you. And try to focus on the things that matter... like your grieving and your IVF. I so wish you didn't have to go through this as well- and I am so sorry!! If you ever want to talk, let me know! I would be happy to.
I am appalled. I don't even know where to start, the problem is that all I have to say is directed to them and I'm sure they would not stand around long enough to hear ALL I have to say, they would not care. That's when I stop and think about this reasonably. They don't care. This is something that can't be forced, they were simply born with an inability to feel for anyone besides themselves, like being color-blind, except what they ARE able to do is hurt. They can do that and this is what sucks. I tell my hubs all the time, I don't mind people not caring, I just wish those people would disappear far away from me so that they are not within reach of us, where they can't hurt us. I have pushed people away because having them around takes my energy away because I have to constantly forgive and that takes effort, maybe more than offending someone, forgiving is grueling work.
I hope you can completely take them out of your life, actually they took themselves out, now all that is needed is for them to forget your existence the same way they have forgotten your grief, your tragedy, your sweet Peyton.
What I read that this person wrote to you, I could dissect it and show this person how freakishly cruel and selfish every written word was, the issue here is I bet they swear they are right and have the right to tell you so, may they rot in their selfishness and I hope one day they will face a mirror that will show how black their heart really is.
BTW, best of luck with IVF, I hope you don't have to stimulate for long and may this process be as quick as possible.
Wow. What arrogance on their part. One only hopes that they never loose a loved one and realize just what an ass they really are. So sorry your related these kind of ppl. I'm here, I care, we all do. So no what they think is irrelevant. Peyton's life mattered and so do your feelings. *HUGS*
Wow. Just fucking Wow. I am so sorry you have someone like that in your life. So sorry. What a worthless excuse for a human being, let alone family. I would cut these people from my life for good. They are nasty, toxic, selfish pieces of $#&#.
Reading what they said to you made my blood boil. Instantly, full boil. How dare they? How dare they make it about them and their feelings! You lost your baby girl. You suffered a loss they can only hope to God they never experience. And to tell you that they cannot support you in your grief??? WTF???? How unfeeling. How heartless. How cruel.
I'm so sorry you have had to deal with people like this. Walk away from these people. Far. Far. Away. Don't look back. Don't feel bad. They don't deserve one iota of your attention or your thoughts.
((((((hugs to you Kristin)))))
As if the road isn't hard enough. I have found the same... I'm tired of being the Better person.. of having to smile when I feel like crying... for THEM any of them. This makes me so angry. So frustrated and unfortunatly... It seems that this behavior is understood by us.. There are those who will never ... ever.. understand. Those are the selfish... The worthless and the scared. They are running from feelings and choosing Anger instead of help. I say..... RUN AWAY from this couple.. and never look back. Don't let them do this to you or to Peyton. DELETE.
I agree 100000% with Poppy. I am so, so sorry that you have been treated this way.
This might sound odd, but thank you for posting this. I have been dealing with my own version of this in silence. Maybe now I will be able to do something about it, because I never thought that other people might be going through this too.
That is one of the nastiest, cruelest, most unkind series of comments that I have ever read. I applaud you for saying something. I know that saying something is rarely satisfying in the exchange, I also think it is good to get it off your chest. Clearly, their true colors are revealed. Wouldn't it be great to post a copy of their email on Facebook to all your mutual friends? I love thinking snarky, even though I never act on it. Sending you love. Even though they are so grossly in the wrong in this scenario, it still hurts when someone is so unkind and nasty. xo
Don't coddle? Your lack of compassion? I am at a loss; jaw dropping doesn't even come close.
How very sad that they think their opinion is more important than the enormity of Peyton's death and it's effect on you. How could anyone think that a text or two is an acceptable way to acknowledge the life and death of a member of their own family? How could they not approve of the positive action in Doing good in her name which is born of your grief?
Oh my Kristin, with relatives like this I'm glad that the rest of your family and friends are so incredible.
Concentrate on them and the good they bring.
xxx
I am so sorry that you have to be going through something like this. Obviously they have never needed this kind of support. What comes around goes around. At some point in their lives they will go through something that will cause them to need help and support. One day they will realize what they did was wrong. Not that I wish it upon them because I would never do that. I have just seen so many things happen in this lifetime to see that nobody is immune to bad things happening. If that were the case none of us would have lost our babies. You just need to focus on you and the positive support you have in your life. Let them deal with their jealous like behavior. I wonder if that is what it is. They are jealous of all the attention you have received. Well I know what you would say to that..... Give me my baby back and they can have all the attention. People don't realize how selfish they are. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
(((HUGS)))
Wow....just wow.
These people do not deserve one ounce of your time or effort...NONE, ZERO, ZILCH.
We are talking about the death of your infant daughter, not you dog running away!
The message sent to you was a weak, worthless, ill planned cop out in my opinion. Whoever wrote it to you is a coward. Instead of dealing with the real issue at hand they decided to fight dirty and hit you where it hurts - Peyton and your grief. They pushed there wrong doings onto you and your instead of taking blame. It was an incredibly cowardly thing to do.
They don't coddle? They don't even act like human beings.
They criticize your lack or compassion for others? Ummmm HELLO - they didn't even ask you how you were doing!!! They didn't offer any type of condolence for your loss!
I can't even imagine how angry you are, I am furious and I just read your post!
And who made them King and/or Queen - who the hell are they to tell you how to grieve???!!!
You shouldn't care about them, you should lean and depend on those who support, love and honor you, your husband and Peyton.
I know they may be family but people like that are not good for you, your healing, your grief or you joy...you should really cut all contact with them.
Just agreeing with the other comments here.
I'd cut all contact if I was you - I don't think there's anything good in that relationship for you anymore.
I'm sure you know this but none of those things they say about you are true. And no, I don't think you should care about their comments. They're not worth it.
Maddie x
WTF... umm nothing but nasty things are flying out my mouth right now... I hope you drop them like yesterdays shit down the pooper. I am glad you said something, maybe since it will make some feel better combine all of our comments and send them off. Ok that is stooping, but sometimes that is what it takes! Everyone has said what I was going to say. You are better than them and need to tell them you have no time or energy for that bullshit. ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))
I feel your pain! My grandparents attitude is 'this is something that happens and you need to move'. Well, I will NEVER move one and I will NEVER get over the death of my son.
It hurts, a great deal, as I am sure that is how you feel. But, it the same way, I am glad to know that I no longer have to waste my energy on them. My husband and I wrote a letter to them explaining how we feel and that we no longer want to speak to them.
We got a nasty letter back saying how I am a bad granddaughter because I don't send them Easter or St. Patrick's day cards. (I am not joking here!). That solidified my feelings that they are simply not worth it and that's that.
But, it still hurts to know they don't care.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, too. Some people simply don't get it at all. And those are the people that aren't worth it. I've said it a million times before, some of my biggest supporters and people that I lean on through all of this are people I have never even met in real life. Who'd ever have though?
Thinking of you!!!
I echo much of the sentiment of shock and awe expressed by others.
Were you close before or have you never got on and this being the final straw? If they were remotely close then they should as a minimum seen that you were the one going through hell so the ball was in their court. Some people are shallow and self-centred tho'
I do wonder what insecurities they are shielding that make them behave this way.
You should protect yourself. You are going through a lot with IVF and grief and you don't need more stress. I would delete them on fb.
Make sure the rest of your family know how you feel too perhaps.
Sorry you have this to add to everything else
Wow. These people need to seriously get a clue. If this is how they behave when times are tough for you, then I think that you are better off without them.
wooooww..I cannot believe this person.. I hate this person for you.. I would like you to friend request me so I can message this asswipe..;) seriously.. only a few days notice for the funeral? you are selfish for grieving? what the hell??
ridiculous.. and good for you for not letting it get under your skin.. I think I would have freaked out on them.. they are probably truly upset that you have had "attention" lately that they have not.
did you see that video on facebook about how parents grieve after the loss of a child, and that no one really understands it unless they too have had the loss.. Maybe this would be good to send or to post to your profile.. anyway..big hugs and IMO, I think you are doing beautifully by honoring Peyton with all you do..definitely not selfish :) ((HUGS))
I am really upset for you. This is horrible.
The first thing I thought when I read this was that these people really are heartless. And then when I read your last paragraph, I completely agree with you... these people don't deserve your time or energy.
I know I would have a hard time with this, but I think I would try to distance myself and not have anything to do with them. I wouldn't respond anymore, unless they show signs of understanding how they've wronged you.
It sounds like they reacted to you in defense, coming up with 'reasons' why they didn't or couldn't reach out to you. They got defensive because somewhere deep down they KNOW they screwed up and didn't respond to you in love. They messed up. Not you. And I don't think you were wrong in writing to them and telling them your feelings.
I think now, though, I just wouldn't respond to them anymore.
Praying for you.
I'm so sorry.
love,
ebe
Some people have really strange reactions to other people's grief. Several members of my family behaved similarly... well actually I guess they were different... My dad would often comment on my blog about how selfish I was in my grief and how it wasn't just about me. He hated the fact that people would comment and support me. Weird huh? (they told me to get over it after six months)
People have some really strange ideas about how we are meant to act when we've lost a child. They have no idea. What we do is healthy. Reaching out and sharing our pain is healthy. Working through our grief is healthy.
I bet these are the first people to congratulate you when you are pregnant (because thats the magic cure of course...)
I'm sorry you have to deal with this as well. I deal with it by removing these people from my life. Has worked for me but it bothers me that some people can just be so wrong.
xx
Your post left me in tears. I am so sorry you have to deal with people like that. My brother and sister-in-law lost their 2-year old last year, and I would go to the ends of the earth to help them through their grief in any way I can. That's what they, and you, deserve from close friends and family. It is not easy to deal with our loved ones when they suffer unimaginable loss, I understand that now. But who said doing the right thing is always easy?
I would let these people out of my life quietly. They are poison and there is no reason to keep people like that in your life just because they are related to you. I am a big believer in the power of forgiveness (for both the forgiven and the one who forgives) and maybe someday they will realize how wrong they were, and they can offer you love and support instead of cruelty, and then you can welcome them back into your life. Until then, good riddance.
This is so horrible to read! The only reason they are so extremely defensive and have chosen to blame you for what has happened is that they KNOW that what they have done was wrong. People always get so defensive when deep down they know they are wrong!
I'm praying for you, for strength and courage to keep your chin up and grieve however you need to!! For as long as you need to!
Oh. My. God.
Mind you, I am going through a VERY similar situation with my very own (ex)best friend and my cousin and her family.
Unbelievable.
xo
Oh Kristin!!!!!
I am just heartbroken for you. Not because I know how that feels (thank God) but because only imagining it makes my stomach turn and me want to throw up.
There are people who GET IT and you are grateful for them.
Then there are people who THINK they get it, and though they sometimes say something insensitive, you can at least understand it comes from a mostly good place.
There are people who DON'T get and DON'T think they do, so they don't really say much at all and you are grateful for just their silence.
Then there are people who DON'T get it and arrogantly tell you how it should be. Those are the people you just can't make any justifications for, family or not, and need to be put on the shelf, so to speak.
I am truly at a loss for words that someone would have the nerve to tell you that they don't support how you are handling all of this. WHO . IN . THE . WORLD . put THEM in control??? Gave them the right to dictate how it should be handled? Allow them to think they have the RIGHT to question you?
I don't know the situation, obviously, but dear LORD I hope that it is not in the name of any religious beliefs that they are taking that pious route and if it IS, please know that is NOT OF GOD. Period.
Jesus wept for the suffering he saw on this earth. Is that coddling? I think not.
Ok--I'm not being productive because I am mad and incensed for you.
Mostly, I am just heartbroken that you have to have such CRAP to deal with as you are already going through hell losing Peyton and all the IVF stuff...insult to injuries. Again.
Praying for you (and them too...though I admit, it'll be hard.)
Many hugs!
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Some people really just don't have the capacity to get it. As a result they usually turn into giant asses and lash out at others in order to justify their feelings to themselves. As substantial as the loss of Peyton has been for you, your loss has now extended far beyond that in terms of the secondary infertility issues. Even if they cannot relate, there should be some sense of empathy if they are in any way normal, feeling people. Obviously they are not normal in any capacity, and in my opinion, are not worth the grief or the effort on your part. Hugs...
Just shaking my head. People never fail to amaze me. And by "amaze", I mean "deeply disappoint". I pray this never happens to them.
I am simply shocked at the things they typed and/or said. Shocked.
If you can, give them the big ole "whatever" and move on. I know it's probably not that easy, but they clearly, clearly aren't worth your time.
May you receive in support and love from others tenfold of what this couple isn't giving you!
These people either do not have children or do not have hearts. I think maybe both.
I have an 18 month old daughter (just a few weeks older than Petyon) and the thought of losing her is an unimaginable, world-changing, worst nightmare, heartbreaking thought. I have not suffered loss to bring me to your page...yet I am still drawn to your words, drawn to Peyton's eyes. I poured over every blog entry when I first found your page and I have cried many many tears. I think of you and Peyton often.
Yet a blood relative said some of the cruelest words I have ever read. I can't imagine that anything can cut deeper than the loss of one's child. How can they not get that?? Which brings me back to my first sentence. They must not have children or a heart. But I kind of feel sorry for them. If they cannot imagine and sympathize with the grief that comes with losing a child then they cannot imagine the LOVE that comes with having one.
They may not have a heart Kristin, but you have a beautiful one! So no more wasted energy on these people! Sending you prayers and love!
I am dealing with a family member situation that is much, much less severe than the loss of a child, yet I had to come to the realization that this family member is TOXIC for me and for my health and mental sanity, I quit interacting with her. It was difficult at Christmas when I had to be around her, but I mostly ignored her, answered politely when I had to and let all the rest go. I feel much better, although I am sad that it had to come to this with a family member.
I am sooo sorry you are having to endure this situation. I agree with everyone else who supports cutting them out of your life. We are here for you. ((((((hugs))))))
I utterly totally agree with all the other comments left here... They don't deserve to have you in their life anymore... I've had a few that couldn't be bothered to acknowledge my pain but nothing as horrible as what they have said to you. Sending you lots of love and support.
Unbelievable!!!
I know somebody who is not a 'coddle' type, but she is very empathetic, when she is at it.
Your blood relative may describe herself as non-coddle kind, but she appears to be infinite notches beyond that...very cruel.
Has this been that couple's general behaviour? If so, I am sure that your common connections would very well be aware of their twisted personalities.
They could not attend the funeral because you gave them a short notice? Why not just ship them a knife to come and stab you. This is an AWFUL excuse for them to give. You lost your only child , for chrissakes!
You should really think a lot before letting them enter your life again.
When my Dad was murdered, I got into contact online with others who had lost family members to murder. One woman told me how, after her sister's murder, her husband's cousin came to drop off a dish of food, and she had a look of terror on her face. She ran down the driveway and they never heard from her again. One of my sister's friends wrote on her facebook wall a few weeks after the murder, saying "Sorry to hear about your drama. So, what are you up to this weekend?".
Death frightens people, because somewhere inside them it feels like the suffering and grief could maybe be contagious. Or heaven forbid, something equally horrendous could happen to them. To avoid you, in their mind equates to avoiding the reality that something so terrible can happen to ANYONE in the whole world. Even them.
Once I pinpointed this fact, I started to soften to people around me who were doing strange things like avoiding me. I now actually watch it with amusement, I see it as something that is playing out in THEIR world, in THEIR psyche, not in mine.
To be able to experience the full depth of your emotions is a great blessing, and something that takes tremendous courage. To not be in touch with your emotions, that is a very sad thing, something to be pitied.
I now try to have compassion for those people, there are very good friends that I never heard from again, and who are still actively avoiding me, two years down the line.
My yoga teacher told me to step back and watch it like a movie, don't take part in it. It's their movie, not mine.
I don't ever think that people *deserve* to lose a child, but I'd like to see what these two do with babyloss grief.
What have we all learned here (as babyloss mamas)? Our grief is ours... we own it. They are so past the point of uncomfortable around you and hubs now, they don't know what to do, so snarky is their best option. Don't we all have someone in our life like this now? I think if you ask any babyloss mama, they would say yes.
Losing a child magnifies the dipshits in your life.
They are dipshits.
*PS - sorry for my absence for a while... our computer had a virus! I'm catching up on you, and *hopingwishingpraying* that all goes the way it should this month! Come on CHRISTMAS baby!
it's so hard when it is family - you can't just cut the cord and be done with them. i'm glad you have support from other family members - do they know about this couple's behavior? could they intervene on your behalf? perhaps they are not worth even that much effort.
i've learned that people will go to tremendous lengths to avoid a having conversation with me about my baby's death, and that they become deeply offended if it is suggested that they aren't supporting me enough (which almost no one is). defenses are very, very high. they think that my grief is going to eat them alive, and they will fight with everything they've got to keep that feeling at bay. at the same time, they don't want to think they are bad people.
i agree with some other posters here - it is about them, not about you. it is a testimony to the profound nature of this loss: the death of a child makes everything in life feel so tenuous, everyone will turn and flee to the nearest high ground they can find. even if that means leaving the parents alone in the flood.
i'm so sorry. it sucks so much. i have lost almost all my friends because of this, and feel very grateful for my family who have stuck by me. xo
Wow- what ass's. I cant believe that complete strangers (friends) on your blog show more love and compassion than these people. Apparently they have yet to suffer a loss of any kind, or apparently they dont have a heart or feelings. I would say never waste a thought or breath on them again. I am not one to wish ill feelings towards people but karama is a bitch and I hope it bites them in the ass. Peyton is and always will be your precious baby girl, she will always be loved and celebrated by all your true family and friends and by us blogger friends- love doesnt die with death. Wishing you strength to get through this and that they sit on a hill of angery fire ants :-) Jody
Wow, is all I can say WOW. I am just appalled. You are not a selfish person, they are. And they just aren't worth it. It's true, you'll never be able to convince them of what is right and true about this whole thing, so it's best just to walk away. People like this often "get off" on these exchanges. Ugh.
I am just left speechless & appalled that you have to deal with that. They failed as a friend, family & at life in my opinion. She has turned the tables on you because she probably does not like the way she has handled the sitaution. She or he (I'm assuming she) probably learned some lessons through your daughter's death at what a crummy person she was. I have lost my best friend as well so I completely understand & feel your pain heavy in my chest right now.
Wow. This person(s) are selfish, self centered and totally not worth your time and anguish. What truely awful things for them to say and do. I am so sorry you have to deal with them. Good riddance to them.
This past January I received an email from a "close relative" that was in response to a request that I had sent out asking people to send cards to my brother and his fiancee on the anniversary of the day their son was stillborn. Her email was basically something to the effect of "I'm sorry but no I won't do this because I don't like the mother so I don't support your brother in this."
For months my main focus had been on fiercely supporting my brother and his fiancee any way I could, my heart is so broken for them, it just naturally consumed me... so this response completely floored me and caught me off guard. Literally, I was dumbfounded. Is it really possible for a person to be ignorant enough to think that the death of a child is just a situation like any other??
Anyway, the point of this story is that after a few days, a lot of crying and talking it out with my husband, I decided that this relative was just that - ignorant. Her response simply showed me that she does not understand what the death of a child means. When a child dies, that's it. Nothing else matters. Not who the mother was, or how the mother expresses her grief, or who did what and when. Petty human judgements don't belong in the world of baby loss. It's just above them. And this relative, she just didn't get that, because she had never experienced it and could not even fathom what it really was.
This person who has said these things to you is ignorant. That's obvious to those of us "in the know." I hope that maybe thinking of it this way will help you to depersonalize the entirely inappropriate things they have said to you.
It really sucks when people just don't get it, because it makes them incapable of giving you the support you need. But there's no reason for you to think that that is YOUR failing. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their simple and maddeningly frustrating ignorance.
I'm so sorry. :(
:::hugs:::
I am so sorry. Reading this has me crying. You do not need this person in your life. Grief is personal, no two are alike and no one should ever be told they are doing it wrong. She should have reached out in other ways and continued to reach out until she got it right.
Don't let her guilt for doing it wrong fall onto your shoulders. ((HUGS))
I was just reading this on another blog. That people will stay away for a few years and then come back to you. That's just wrong. What, come back like it didn't happen to you! Just skip past the shit years, no way!
They are seriously pieces of s@#t!!! I am so angry right now. I can't even think straight. It's sick to know how insensitive people can be, especially when it is your own flesh and blood. I don't wish any wrong upon them but one day they are going to loose someone in their life that is close to them and then they will realize what it is to feel pain like you have. Not until then will they understand you and your grief.
I think all of us in this loss world have learned who truly cares for us during this time but it does not compare to this. You are such a beautiful person, I can't believe they would do this to you. You need to just walk away from them for good. Right now you do not been any more negativity in your life. You have better things to worry about than them. I know how hard it is to just stop thinking of them since they have caused so much pain to you but for your own well being you really have to. I am so sorry that they hurt you so much. I want to punch them!!! Sending you big ((hugs)) my friend.
I'm sorry! So so sorry for the actions of those people.
I cannot believe the nerve...they have never been thru this so they should shut the F up. So sorry, you should never ever have to deal with people like this..I think the 40 commenters above me are spot on too!!! If you ever have to see them again (God forbid), print this out and throw it at them! HUGE HUGS xxxooo Nan
I am soooooo sorry that you had to even deal with this. I agree with everyone else in this matter....I wish I could run over and give you a hug or pick up the phone and call you. Unfortunately, when we loose a child, some people don't get it, some of the people that are our close friends and relatives just run away. I was surprised at how wonderful some of the people I barely knew at the time, were so supportive. I pray for the ignorant. Don't get me wrong, at one point I was more hurt from the ignorant comments then the loss of my two children. That just made me mad. I was more upset at the hurtful comments then the death of our two children. My babies weren’t mean, these people were. I couldn't understand how people could be so hurtful with their actions and comments. I think they are scared and cowardly. I was very upset reading this because it brought back many of the feelings I had after our daughter was still born in 06 and our son who was born early and passed away 1 week later in 08. I have really struggled with two people in particular. A sister in law who couldn't stand to see me pregnant. She even told me this after we got pregnant after our first loss. The stress that she put on our family and the hurt she caused was devastating. I also have a friend that I have known for over 30 years. I was there for all of her baby issues and when our son died, she got very distant. After two years of walking on egg shells, I realize when she asks how am I, I just say fine. (that was my husbands idea because I would be so hurt after talking to her) I feel this is my grief and she doesn't deserve to be a part of this intimate healing process. She doesn’t get it, she feels I should move on, this person was my best friend. I am much stronger now but it has taken a lot of work the last two years. She thinks I should be over it. She does not understand that you can never be over a death of a child. I don't want to get over it. They were here, I delivered them, I loved them and they will always be in my heart. They took a piece of my heart when they left and it sucks but, I will move when and how I want. I will never get over it. If people don't like how I am dealing with this then too bad, it is my loss. I think of my children everyday and I wish they were in my arms, but they are not. It is sad that the people online are more compassionate than some of our friends and family. But unfortunately we all get it, unfortunately we have experienced it. I like the saying from my support group meeting. "Move forward...." Moving on means we leave something behind, I will just move forward because time still ticks and I must.
I am so sorry that this person in your life is so mean. I can’t say forget about them, because you can’t the hurts they have demonstrated is so deep!! If it helps you- I did block the emails from this person, that did help. I cannot receive any emails from them. Whether they mean to be cruel or not, they do not have the capacity to understand and I don’t need the extra stress that these people cause during my journey. I have found that I need to focus on me. Selfish, maybe, but I need to heal myself, my way. So yes you are fine in what ever you say and however you want to move forward in your life and you do not need anyone commenting on it. They don't deserve the satisfaction of this. It is not worth the energy, you need to focus on you, your husband and how you are dealing with the loss of your daughter, who by the way is so beautiful. Remember that work is hard enough. Don’t use your energy on them. Their behavior is ridiculous.
I will keep you in my prayers and big hugs to you!
Hey lady....Yeah YOU! The one that reaches out to all of us mothers who have experienced the deepest of pains...the one that has had her HEART ripped into pieces....YOU! The ONE that has found ways to give to other families, babies, and in fact FAR beyond where others can even have the courage to dwell. YEAH YOU! I'm talkin' bout YOU! YOU ARE AMAZING AND DESERVE MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!!!!!!
These people are ignorant of who you are, where you've been, and how you have gotten so far in SPITE of debilitating grief and horror. They may have been "blood"...but crap runs through their veins.
They can't support how your grieving? They think you should be able to just pick up and perk up after your baby DIED in your arms?
There is a special place for people like that.
The fact that they dare to justify their CALLOUS NEGLIGENCE with "we didn't have your phone number???" Ummm....by the way, you can't TEXT someone without a PHONE NUMBER. Lame.
Oh...I'm so sorry Mr. and Mrs A-wipe...did the fact that a baby dieing causes PAIN disrupt your happy little ignorant life? Is it too much for you to witness that the loss of a child can completely ravage a mother? Is it too ugly to know that LIFE IS FULL OF PAIN AND LOSS? Would you rather go on living a life of massage parlors and ignorance simply to be "comfy".
My friend. You have been so wronged. SO wronged. Walk away and NEVER look back. Sometimes our family includes members that we do not need to extend our hearts to. Blood ISN'T everything. (I can attest to that!!!) You are a wonderful, beautiful person. Your grief is normal and JUSTIFIED. You have dealt with it BEAUTIFULLY, and have given voice to MILLIONS of others in silent pain that is smothered by the harsh "shhhh's" of people like the people you describe you just DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS REAL!
I call this Barbie syndrome and reserve it for those who want to live in a false world of smiles and cheese. These people aren't capable of dealing with anything minutely uncomfortable and shove all difficult emotions under the rug where they fester and turn them into ugly, rotten soulless muck.
Here is my hand. I'd take you as a sister ANY day!
I'm sorry you have to deal with troll people. I'd like to SHOVE them off the bridge!
Love,
Me.
Unless people suffer the death of a child, they will never fully understand. And, for some people, who cant even fathom the grief, their only coping mechanism is to tell people to get back to normal, to forget, to move on. People can be crass. Heartless. Mean.
I am so sorry. So very sorry. I have had people like that in my life and they are no longer a part of it. But thankfully, they are few and far between. Wishing you that as well...
hi , anne again, just read this a day late, my son harvey's grandparents came and saw us everyday while we were in hospital. when we took harvey home though, scared, but delighted after 4 months to be finally taking our baby home, nanna and poppy ceased all contact. they didn't agree with us taking harvey home. the fear they felt that he would die clouded everything else and consequently they missed out on having a relationship with their beautiful grandson for his last 9 months on earth. they came to his funeral, like all old people seem to like to do. no birthday cards or christmas presents though and not a word from them since the funeral either. i know harvey's nanna had twins out of wedlock when she was young and had them both taken away from her and she didn't have a choice (awful) she also had a son die in a motorcycle accident when he was 23 (devastating) she was of the era when women had no outlet for their grief and in fact were told to get over it and to have another baby and move on. i feel for her in one way.... i have no regrets with harvey and he died knowing he was loved by me and i knew i had given everything i could for his life to be the best it could be. i think that harvey's grandparents must suffer alot from remorse and regret. if we ever talk again i know i would have so much i want to say to them but i also know it would fall on deaf ears and nothing but anger would come out of it. i honestly can't be bothered with them anymore, my grieving over the death of my son is what is important to me and to making it through each day feeling part of the human race. we are lucky we have so much information and support to help us navigate grief. i can't hate harveys nanna , i just felt sorry for her, now i feel nothing for her. i'm sorry for you that it came to nasty words, no matter how much you want them to, some people will never "get it" xxx anne
Cut. Off. All. Ties.