How it feels upon waking to your second birthday.

To my sweet little Peyton on your second birthday,

I thought I would be stronger this year. I thought for some reason it would be easier to face today with it not being the first, and the joy I feel over your little siblings, but I am learning through eyes that weep and a heart full of sorrow that this day that was meant to hold so much hope, will always be a glaring reminder of all that we were not able to do with you.

I read recently that we are all just energy, and since energy has no beginning, and no end, we, too, have no end. This brought me comfort as I thought of your energy leaving a body that was so deadset against you, and flying freely among the clouds, the birds, and the trees.

I know you have never left me. Nearly every day I have felt something that I have attributed to you - a flicker in the lights, a sense of Peace when I needed it, a warm breeze across my ears and cheek to dry my tears.

Someday when I am where you are, I will hold you again sweet girl and thank you for the many, many ways that you have comforted me through your loss.

I wish you were here today, running, playing, and doing all that little two year old girls should do. I find myself wondering what type of little one you would be - a tomboy? little miss independent? shy? When my mind goes there, to that painful place of all that I wish that we had had with you, I go back to that passage about energy and return to the thoughts of you as a free little spirit not constrained to any one title, and this lifts my sorrow.

There are moments from your life that I will never get over, and decisions that I will never find peace with, though for the last two years I have tried and tried and tried. Please little girl, help Mommy today. Help me to look back on your perfect little self with joy and admiration. Help me to remember all I did have with you - your unguarded love, our skin to skin time, breastfeeding, holding you, counting your perfect little fingers and toes, tracing the outlines of your face, reveling at the way you would look into my eyes with a wisdom beyond your age for hours and hours.

Help me to hold tight to these things today.

Happy Birthday my precious little blue eyes. Please know that wherever you are, it is to you that we are sending our love.

Loving you always, and missing you especially today,
Momma