!@#$%^&

Dear God,

Please!

Love,

Me

So I went to the doctors today, and gotta say, I am not too happy. The (insert expletive of your choice here) blood clot/SCH has grown... GROWN! Despite now nearly three weeks of bedrest. 

9cm at it's largest point when I had my big bleed, it is now 12.5cm x 5.5cm x 2.5cm. I mean really, cut me some damn slack universe. 

For the most part I have been very optimistic throughout this whole SCH ordeal (annoyed, but optimistic) and yes, I should mention, both babies still look beautiful and well so Thank God for that! It's just that I can only handle so much. I have spent the last four years trying to have a family, and have been met by heartache and roadblocks every step of the way. It's not that I am upset to still be on bedrest, I will do whatever it takes to get these snowflakes here safe and sound, it's that I have been doing all I can and up until now, it hasn't mattered... much like with Peyton I did all I could and it didn't matter, and with the baby before her that I miscarried. It gets to be a bit much to handle.

The doctor talked to me about things I don't want to talk about. Risks of miscarriage, stillbirth and premature labor associated with these hemorrages. She wasn't being an alarmist, just doing her job of keeping me informed, and I started to cry, because these are not distant worries for me. I know what loss feels like. I live it each and every day. She then put the doppler to my belly, and for the first time I heard their heartbeats, but the moment wasn't what it should have been, it was tainted by the fear and worry and tears that came with the news that the SCH had grown, and that makes me even madder at it.

She then asked what I have been doing at home, and I told her that per the other doctor's recommendations (this is a large practice) I have been doing bed to couch to bed type stuff and she said, "oh that must be so hard with a two year old running around at home, I saw in your chart that you already have a child." And I cried harder because I do have a child, or I did, but I never brought her home, and she certainly never was afforded the luxury of running around. The conversation was innocent enough on the OB's part, but it socked me in the gut with a force that made the room spin. On my way out I asked the receptionist to retrieve my file. She did, and I said, "I know this may be an unorthodox request, but can you please mark in some LARGE and LEGIBLE way, that my daughter is dead, and that while I don't mind any doctor here talking about the fact that she has passed, having to re-inform every doctor that asks me seemingly benign question about my child who is not, in fact, running around at home, is very painful for me."

She said she understood.

Every day I have people telling me to embrace each day of this pregnancy with joy, and to be thankful for it, and of course I am thankful - I love my babies and not a day goes by that I forget what a miracle their conception was- but embracing the day with sheer joy really feels like a pretty unrealistic expectation to place on me when countless hours spent in bed, and every trip to the restroom and check of the toilet paper, is a reminder of this stupid clot and the possible threats it brings with it. I will say that up until today (with exception of the day of my big bleed) I have shed no tears for this SCH, trying my best to push it to the back of my mind, but today it got the best of me, and I wept, and wept, and wept.

I know it is pathetic to play this card, because I know that life is not fair, but I just want to scream (yet again) that THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!

So God, universe, law of attraction - what have you, I am begging, pleading, and praying, PLEASE make this stupid SCH shrink and go away so that I CAN embrace every day with these babies with sheer joy and celebration - because I think they (and dare I say, I) deserve it.

PS I have not forgotten about my giveaway. I will announce the winner in my next post. Just feeling a little overwhelmed for it today.