The tears come, and you are back at square one:
Heartbroken
Overwhelmed
In Shock
Missing Her
In Denial
Feeling Robbed
In Pain
Stuck
Angry
Shattered
I miss the way things used to be...
About Me
- Once A Mother
- I lost my first pregnancy in '07 to miscarriage, but held out hope & soon learned that my husband & I were expecting again. My pregnancy was picture perfect. In September 2008, after 42 weeks, I gave birth by c-section to my 1st child, a beautiful baby girl, Peyton Elizabeth, who unbeknownst to any of us had Infant Leukemia (ALL w/ MLL) the odds of which fell around 1 in 50 million. Peyton blessed us with her beautiful smile & unguarded love, never letting on just how sick she really was. For 28 days she fought with the heart of a prizefighter & we held onto the hope that she would beat the cancer & the odds. Infant Leukemia made Peyton an angel October 2, 2008 & a piece of me left with her. A year later we began trying again & learned that an infection from my c-section with Peyton had destroyed my tubes & left me infertile. After two rounds of IVF, we are pregnant with twins. I write this blog as a tribute to Peyton, and my journey through life without her. I don’t know where this story goes, or how it will end, only that loving & mothering Peyton has left me forever changed & losing her has washed a perspective over my life that I could never have anticipated.
Sounds like we're having the same type of night. Sending some hugs your way.
I'm so sorry. It is strange how the grief can suddenly come right back and knock you off your feet again. Entirely out of nowhere. Love x
Hugs boo!
I hate it when you feel like you have done such a good job moving forward just to end up back at square one. Sorry it has been a hard day/night.
Me too. *HUGS*
Feeling the same way. Missing our angels even more if possible.
It's so frustrating to be putting together a string of strong days and then boom, out goes the rug beneath our feet.
But we pull ourselves up, straighten our shoulders, lift our heads and soldier on. It's all we can do.
Thinking of you and sweet Peyton...
I feel those emotions every day, and I wish they were feelings I never had to know. I wish you never had to feel them either. *hugs*
I know the "missing place" you speak of well...and the random winds that blow through sending you back to that place...
Wish I had some words, but I don't...none that are adequate...
Just understanding...and prayers...
Thanks for your comment on my blog. I am so sorry that we share the "ingredients" of losing a baby and infertility. But there is some comfort in knowing that we are not alone and that others are surviving. I will be following your blog. Thanks for writing about these tough things and writing so well too.
Peace
Sending ((hugs)) your way. I am sorry you are having one of those days. I am praying for you!
I came across your blog in the blogosphere and I felt the need to post something. I think it is beautiful how you want to carry on something noble and good in Peyton's name. I think it's great you offer places of support for those experiencing baby loss. While I have never been through a loss like yours, I have been through several losses, and I can relate to your feelings of sadness here. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.