Update... or lack there of

It's been a week since I got the news, that "there is no justice in this world," and that my tubes have been ruined to the point of infertility by an infection from my C-section to have Peyton. It's been a week, and we are no closer to knowing what our next step is.

My doctor was gone all last week, and though she returned today, has not yet called. I am sure it is not a conversation that she is looking forward to, but a call she should make so that we can move forward... whatever "forward" means.

I remember when I was a lifeguard in Florida, I always recognized the stages of heat stroke as they were happening to me. Hot, dry forehead. Headache. This is sort of like that. I recognize each stage of grief as I go through it.

This latest blow has me exhausted - emotionally, physically, mentally. A lifelong friend called today and said I sounded "more annoyed than upset." "Today is an anger day" I told her.

I don't know how to feel "okay" about this news. The things that have brought me comfort since losing Peyton (visiting her grave, writing, exercise) are not working this time. Looking down at her grave is somehow more upsetting... so much loss in one little life. It gets to be too much.

My writing has also suffered, pretty much going to sh*t this last week. All I come up with are little ridiculous poems and prose about how much this sucks, and my lack of will, determination, energy to figure out what to do. Isn't it amazing the way grief sucks the energy right out of those left living?

I got an email from a trainer who I workout with sometimes. "Haven't seen you in a while. Let's get back on track in 2010." "Huh," I thought to myself, "back on track... is that even possible?"

I'll leave you with this... one of the many random muttering poems from the day.

They walked the beach
Hand in tight held hand
Two souls in love
Among the sand

And looking out
Unto the sea
Decided it was time
Two became three

Now here we sit
The same couple two
Not knowing how
Or what to do

What should have brought
Joy's glory streams
Instead left in it's path
Our broken dreams

The first brought hope
But soon was lost
To miscarriage unexplained
Our innocence the cost

Our second born
With beauty's eyes
Fought Cancer's beast
Despite her size

And in four weeks
An imprint left
Upon our souls
That can't be swept

But soon too left
Us back as two
Not knowing how
We could get through

And when a year's
Healing had come
We said "let's be brave,
try for another one"

But what's the point
Knowing there can't be
A lucky baby
Number three

For fate was fast
With a cruel hand
Knocking us down again
Nowhere left to stand

How do two kids
Who've thrice been hurt
Find a way back up
Out of grief's dirt

When every rock passed
Reveals boulders anew
Loss now infertility
How will we get through

It's so unfair
Nothing here feels right
When will joy return
I'm tired of this fight