I woke up from a nap today completely terrified. I wasn't upset when I went to lay down, so why it hit me all at once upon rising is beyond me.
The facts are these:
I NEED these babies to arrive here safely.
I NEED them to be healthy.
I NEED for us to leave the hospital with them, like a normal family.
I NEED these things, but also live on a side of the universe where I know that nothing in this life is a guarantee. I have seen women in this community do everything right for their rainbows and still have things go so terribly wrong and that scares me. Where is the free pass for the bereaved? Where is the token that says, "okay, you have been through enough, now you are ensured a life of pure joy"?
Please don't get me wrong, I really do spend 99% of my time believing that I have reached the "beauty from my pain" point, and try to focus my energies and attention on celebrating the joys and miracles of these snowflakes, but then there is that 1% of the time, those dark moments of self doubt like I had today upon waking, and the fear is just overwhelming.
I think I am * just * so * close * now that it feels like everything - our hopes, dreams, happiness - is on the line. Part of me wants to call the hospital today and say, "They are good right now. Let's c-section them right now!"
I know I am being closely monitored.
I know these babies are showing all the signs that they are growing and thriving and usually I find all the comfort I need in that.
Usually...
I am praying for you and your lovely family. I often look at your daughter's picture and think of how beautiful and special she is, and how unfortunate it is that she was with us for such a short time. I hope you have a safe and easy delivery and more lovely children soon.
Sending hugs. At 37 weeks I did reach that point and the c-section was organised for the next day. If that's what you need, don't be afraid to say so. You are *so* close and I'm so looking forward to hearing of the snowflakes safe arrival.
Maddie x
Your fears are rightly justified. I wish I get those little one's out and safe in your arms right now. Praying day and night for you. That 1% is so heavy for us on this grief journey, hard for many to understand that. I hope your fear subsides soon. There are so many of us sending good vibes your way. Hang in there, you are almost there. I am so excited that you are so close now. Can't wait to meet the little snowflakes. ((HUGS)) from Ca.
I would feel that same as you at your point... it's natural to have those fears after what you've been through. These last few days must be the hardest but you deserve every joy in the world and it's so close now xoxo
Continuing to pray for you, but I can only imagine how you feel getting so close! I'm sure I'll need constant assurance when I hit that point too (well, I need it now, so I get it!). I have a great peace in my heart for you though!!!
Thinking of you and your precious Snowflakes!
hugs and prayers...
I follow your blog, but never commented before now but I wanted to share my story with you. My husband and I lost our 2nd child and only son when he was 12 days old over 6 years ago. I never thought we'd get a happy ending again. 15 months later we were blessed with a very healthy baby girl. And another one 2 years later. So happy ending are possible and do happen! We thought we were done but God had other plans. I became pregnant in the summer of 2009 only for it to end in an ectopic rupture that the dr missed and I almost died. Then another blow came when I was diagnosed with a rare auto immune disorder and was told pregnancy wasn't a good option for someone in my situation. But again, God had other plans...I am currently 34w6d pregnant with our 2nd son....all my other children were born btw 34-36 weeks for various reasons....so i really expected to have a baby around now...but apparently this baby is staying put at least for now...which is good for him, but I too feel like we are so close and I am so worried something will go wrong. I will be having a c-section and the baby is already measuring very large (over 6.5 pounds already) and all my others were btw 5.6-6.9 pounds so my body has never carried a large baby and I worry my uterus can't take much more. I know all the things that could go wrong but I am also trying to stay positive, but like you, that is really hard sometimes! But my point, happy endings do happen and I really hope and pray you will get yours very soon!
Completely justified. I feel like you have the right to request an earlier delivery than is currently scheduled. Call your doctor, see what options you are given to move the date up just a bit. Hugs!!
You have made it so far. Technically your snowflakes are term. I can't wait for the coming weeks and for joys you thought you might never feel again will come! Looking forward to your post of the babes arriving safely.
~Felicia
Totally feeling some of these same emotions right now. I'll be 35 weeks on Sunday with my rainbow baby, so I'm a little bit behind you. I'll be having a c-section on March 18th (3 weeks). I wish she was ready now! Praying for you and the safe arrival of your snowflakes!!!
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your little snowflakes. I wish you all the best as you get closer to your due date.
I'm thinking of you and your babies. <3
Thinking about you constantly! You added a new song to Peyton's playlist. Beautiful choice. :)
Praying for all of you - I remember the fears well. I just can't wait to see those sweet Snowflakes in your arms! Please Lord, give Kristin & her husband these miracles to bring home. xoxo
These fears are normal honey. I sobbed my heart out on my consultant at my 36 week appointment. I told him I was trying to be sensible, rational, but I was so terrified. He told me to stop trying so hard to be sensible, he said I had every right given what I'd been through to be terrified, but that he was going to take care of me as best he could. He didn't make promises, but I was so glad he gave me permission to feel scared, somehow that made me less so.
You, and the snowflakes are very much in my thoughts x
I know that agony of waiting...praying for you in the wee hours of this morning....
I'm so impresses that you are able to see the beauty from pain part 99% of the time...I would give myself that thought process 50-50 at best...i think its just normal when you have been through a normal, full term pregnancy and then are hit with a ton of bricks after the baby is born...all the monitoring and safety in that still leaves room for worry because there's so much still that could happen that monitoring may miss..unfortunately, you are all to familiar with that now and those worries are bound to bubble up. Keeping you lifted in lots and lots of prayer these next few weeks!!
Thinking about you and your snowflakes every single day. Hang in there and let God be in charge. Be patient, you are doing a wonderful job. Praying for a safe delivery. God Bless Love and Peace Leah's Nana
Understandable. You are doing an amazing job growing those babies! Prayers and hugs for you!
Yeah, I think you are doing an amazing job, my dear friend. I just wanted you to know that I am abiding here, and sending you lots of love and prayers. Always. Snowflakes, the world loves you.
((HUG)) I hear you....oxoxox
I found your blog when I lost my fraternal twins at 23 weeks in 2009. I just found your blog again and am so happy to see you're pregnant again and with twins! My second set of twins (girls this time) just turned 3 months old. They were born 2 months early but healthy. They were breathing on their own and stayed in the hospital for 1 month just to gain weight. Happily ever after does happen sometimes. Praying for you!
I've been following you for a while not sure if I have commented but I wanted you to know I am praying for you and your snowflakes! You are doing an awesome job letting them grow!
I'm sure the Snowflakes will be here safely before you know it! Best wishes, can't wait to hear about their arrival. Anna
I've been having night terrors for about 2 months.. they are very real.. strong.. and come from nowhere.. the only thing that helps calm me down is this phrase.. "that was then.. this is now" It is almost time.. I'm here holding your hand from afar knowing.. exactly.. what you feel like right now..
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I am so glad to hear that they are thriving and I know that your nerves will not rest until you are cuddling your snowflakes in your arms. I wanna know how you got this far. I have 18 weeks to go and sometimes don't know how much sanity I have left. Hand in their brave lady, we're all rooting for you, plus you've got lots of Angel Love flowing down on you and your little ones. I anxiously await the JOYOUS news of your twins' safe and healthy arrival! Love, Trey's Mommy
When I was pregnant with my rainbow twins, I just wanted them OUT of me once I was past viability. I didn't trust my body to keep them alive. It's so hard!
Thinking of you. I know you know how much I get it. Just breathe and live in the moment. Soon enough you will get there and then those muchkins will be here for you to hold. There are no promises in life that our children will stay with us, but there is so much comfort from holding our babies in our arms. When they are declared healthy by the docs and you're taking those precious ones home things will start to feel a little easier and you will trust a bit more. Thinking of you. xx
reading your blog has given me hope that I'll be able to bring a healthy little baby home myself this time. Always sending thoughts and positive energy your way. Just stay strong, You're almost there. The little ones will be in your arms before you know it.