I feel like an outsider looking in
on what should have been,
how my life could have been,
~Kristin Binderas those around us birth healthy children with ease
and bring them home.
In my joy for them
my heart is breaking,
the emptiness in this house stinging me,
as the questions come calling without fail.
How could this happen?
Why did this happen?
How did I end up here?
When will I get my turn to be a mom like the others,
and say the baby kept me up all night,
without referring to nightmares and second guessing?
As children, when something didn't go right
we asked for a second chance, a do-over,
and received one.
Where is my do-over?
I have begged God,
pleaded for one,
but my prayers have fallen on deaf ears.
I want to do so much of it over,
to make different decisions and see if we could have saved her.
I want to know motherhood as a joyful experience,
and shake off the cold of being left outside.
I want to know when my penance
of pain and guilt and sorrow and tears will be paid.
I want to be let in.
You will be let in. You and Dru are such great parents to Peyton, and your happiness will come. Nothing will change what happened, and there is nothing that you could have done differently. Everything you both did, and every decision you both made was done completely out of love for your little girl. God knows that. And Peyton knows that. I will never understand why you had to go through the pain and heartache that you have and continue to go through, or why innocent Peyton had to leave this world, but at some point, when you are both ready, there will be sun behind the clouds.
-Kate (Peyton's aunt)
Hi Krissy,
You will be let in. You and Dru are such good parents to Peyton and have so much love in your hearts that I refuse to believe that you will be left out in the cold forever. And there is nothing you could have done differently. Every decision you both made was done out of love for Peyton. You both loved her and continue to love her with all your hearts and souls. God knows that. And Peyton definitely knows that. No one, including myself, understands why you both should have to go through such pain, or why Peyton had to leave this world. Quite simply, it is not fair that this should happen to an innocent baby or to two wonderful parents. But I do believe, that while nothing can take away this loss or, on the flip side, can change the fact that you are and will always be Peyton's parents, you will have happiness in your life, and not just the bitter pain of loss. When you are both ready, there will be sun behind the clouds.
Love,
Kate