9 Months In Womb, 9 Months In Tomb

How ironic that I should no sooner post my writing on feeling numb, on having lost my tears, on my disconnect from emotion this morning, to only be sent back to that bitter sobbing abyss this afternoon. I don't know what brought it on, perhaps the fact that today marks nine months. Nine months, a time frame that should signify life, a beginning, not death. Nine months in womb, nine months in tomb. I went for my daily visit with Peyton today, told her about the grayness of the skies and the beauty of a hawk flying overhead, when the emotions that have been threatening through exhaustion these past weeks to show themselves came overflowing. The tears, the heaving, the "why God, why me, why her!" came fast and hard along with these words...

Below this ground, six feet away,

there is a white box, now her tomb.

Below this ground, she surrounded lays,

with love letters & charms & toys.

Below this ground, atop her head,

the hat Nana Nina made with the green pom.

Below this ground, she is swaddled tight,

by a checkered blanket & christening gown.

Below this ground, her right hand is at her mouth,

the way she held it to bring comfort in life.

Below this ground, she lies so near,

and yet too far from her mother's touch.

Below this ground, you'll find her there,

beneath the dark, the dirt, the rock.

Below this ground, a life unlived,

my only child Peyton,

my heart.

~Kristin Binder