Guilt -
Will this feeling ever go away?
About Me
- Once A Mother
- I lost my first pregnancy in '07 to miscarriage, but held out hope & soon learned that my husband & I were expecting again. My pregnancy was picture perfect. In September 2008, after 42 weeks, I gave birth by c-section to my 1st child, a beautiful baby girl, Peyton Elizabeth, who unbeknownst to any of us had Infant Leukemia (ALL w/ MLL) the odds of which fell around 1 in 50 million. Peyton blessed us with her beautiful smile & unguarded love, never letting on just how sick she really was. For 28 days she fought with the heart of a prizefighter & we held onto the hope that she would beat the cancer & the odds. Infant Leukemia made Peyton an angel October 2, 2008 & a piece of me left with her. A year later we began trying again & learned that an infection from my c-section with Peyton had destroyed my tubes & left me infertile. After two rounds of IVF, we are pregnant with twins. I write this blog as a tribute to Peyton, and my journey through life without her. I don’t know where this story goes, or how it will end, only that loving & mothering Peyton has left me forever changed & losing her has washed a perspective over my life that I could never have anticipated.
Yes, it just takes time sweetie. I'll be praying the Lord gives you some peace.
From my experience, it comes and goes. It was only 5 months ago that I lost Jacob, but there are guilt-free days and days when I am consumed by it. I hope that you find some peace soon. (((HUGS)))
It is hard for us. But, I've got to believe that it will get easier.
I don't think it will ever go away.... Some moments might be easier than others, but it will always be there. ((hug))
I pray that it goes away someday...for both of us. ((hugs))
I wonder the same. Much love dear.
I always have some guilt about things I did or did not do with Ella, if I would have done __ instead of ___, if I would have taken her to the ER when her seizure started instead of trying to keep her home.. some days are better, some still suck and I am consumed.. maybe with time it eases some, but for now its still so fresh still (after 18 months)..((hugs))
I feel guilty for so many reasons that if one is not there.. another takes the place. Guilt of not being the wife I used to me.. the mom I could have been.. the friend who really showed up. the worker who did better than average.. and then just when I think guilt has strangled me... someone tells me what a good job I'm doing at life.. at grief and that makes the guilt a little easier to swallow. Hang in there...
God has given you the gift of not just one, but two precious babies which are growing in you. They deserve a happy mom. Though part of your heart will always be in heaven with your Peyton you need to think about the gifts that God has sent to you and try to be happy for them.
Just when I'm feeling overall better about things - guilt is usually one of the first things to hit.
I don't know that it ever truly goes away.
But I'm hoping the times it comes up is less and less over the years.
((Big Hugs))
I think it gets better. When I realised that ALL mothers feel guilty losing a child (no matter what the circumstances) I began to be a bit easier on myself. Someone said to me once "be kind to yourself" and when I am feeling really bad I always remember it.
xx
Guilt is one of the hardest demons there is. But your daughter had a mother who loved her with all her heart, who misses her every minute of every day.
and who would have done anything for her. She was lucky to have you, Try to remember that. I know it's what every child deserves, but not all children
are lucky enough to experience it. Try to be kind to yourself. And try to remind yourself that you did all you could, given what you knew at the time.
It won't make the guilt go away, but it'll help to keep it from consuming you. It has helped me anyway.
I feel it too and wonder the same thing. I am told it will pass...