Guilt Poem

I talked about you yesterday.
I kept tears from my eyes.
Right up until the topic came
of us and our goodbyes.

And then the choking in my throat,
returned, too much to bear.
I struggled through grief's tightening grip
to fill my lungs with air.

My heart raced. My palms clenched tight.
I wanted to shut down.
I felt those moments pouring in.
I worried I might drown.

Tears came calling once again
stinging hot against my cheek.
And in my mind I played over
that final, painful week.

I thought about the infection
and how it ravaged you.
I remembered the sense of hopelessness.
I shuddered at what I had to do.

I wonder if the words exist,

to convey how it made me feel.

Even all these many months later,

those last seconds feel surreal.

I don't know if the day will come
when guilt will leave me be.
I just pray you know it was out of love,
that I chose to set you free.

~Kristin Binder