I had a nightmare.
Anyone who has read here for a while will understand.
I dreamt I was walking along a concrete path, and everywhere I turned, I was met with one of those little yellow lawn pesticide signs.
The grass all around me was coated in a white, powdery film. I walked carefully and held my hands close to my body, not wanting to touch anything.
The chemicals were everywhere. I was a rat in a maze, turning and turning, looking for a safe way out.
Suddenly I came upon a large festival full of families walking through the grass like it was no big deal.
Young children rolled around and played in the lawn and I felt nauseated watching as the white powder took refuge on their bare skin.
"You have to get that off of them!" I screamed.
No response.
"Don't you know pesticides are linked to leukemia!"
Not even a look in my direction.
"Why aren't you listening? Your children could die!"
Nothing.
The families just went on smiling and celebrating.
Rolling around in the grass as white powder coated their bodies.
Picnicking as it stuck to the food that they brought to their mouths.
"Please listen." I begged.
But no one did.
They couldn't hear me.
They lived in a different world.
Naive.
Unaware.
Together.
I realized in that moment that I knew too much to ever be like them.
I realized that no matter which direction I traveled, I would always be alone.
**
I am really excited/humbled/honored/stoked/etc etc to learn that my little ole blog here has been nominated for Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs. It would mean A LOT to me if you all would take a moment to vote for my blog by clicking here. If you sort by popularity I should be on about page 2. If you sort alphabetically I fall around page 13. You can vote for as many bloggers as you'd like. I did. Some of my favorites are also on the list :)
Showing posts with label i don't belong in your world. Show all posts
I had a nightmare.
Anyone who has read here for a while will understand.
I dreamt I was walking along a concrete path, and everywhere I turned, I was met with one of those little yellow lawn pesticide signs.
The grass all around me was coated in a white, powdery film. I walked carefully and held my hands close to my body, not wanting to touch anything.
The chemicals were everywhere. I was a rat in a maze, turning and turning, looking for a safe way out.
Suddenly I came upon a large festival full of families walking through the grass like it was no big deal.
Young children rolled around and played in the lawn and I felt nauseated watching as the white powder took refuge on their bare skin.
"You have to get that off of them!" I screamed.
No response.
"Don't you know pesticides are linked to leukemia!"
Not even a look in my direction.
"Why aren't you listening? Your children could die!"
Nothing.
The families just went on smiling and celebrating.
Rolling around in the grass as white powder coated their bodies.
Picnicking as it stuck to the food that they brought to their mouths.
"Please listen." I begged.
But no one did.
They couldn't hear me.
They lived in a different world.
Naive.
Unaware.
Together.
I realized in that moment that I knew too much to ever be like them.
I realized that no matter which direction I traveled, I would always be alone.
**
I am really excited/humbled/honored/stoked/etc etc to learn that my little ole blog here has been nominated for Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs. It would mean A LOT to me if you all would take a moment to vote for my blog by clicking here. If you sort by popularity I should be on about page 2. If you sort alphabetically I fall around page 13. You can vote for as many bloggers as you'd like. I did. Some of my favorites are also on the list :)
What should be:
A day spent admiring my three beautiful children.
A reflection on the joys of the last three years of motherhood.
A giggling little girl playing with her baby brother and sister, showing off her ever expanding vocabulary and doing "big girl things".
What WILL be:
A day spent admiring my three beautiful children.
A reflection of the long road that motherhood has taken me on.
This is the best I can hope for.
For the first time since becoming a mother, I am not dreading Mother's Day. I am looking forward to celebrating these three amazing little beings, and all the ways that they have changed me, but as with all milestone dates, the countdown to Mother's Day brings with it a mix of emotions.
The joy over all I have,
As Sunday approaches, Peyton feels that much further from me.
I want to hold her again. I want to feel her nuzzle against my chest. I want to breathe in the sweet minty smell of the hair on her head.
Each day I tell her brother and sister about the amazing things that she did. How strong she was. The way she would stare into our eyes for hours and rarely complained despite the trials she was put through. I tell them how at just a few minutes old, Peyton reached out and grabbed her pacifier, sticking it into her own mouth - a feat that at nine weeks old, neither of her siblings have yet managed to figure out.
I tell them these things because it is all I can do.
It is the only way they will ever know her.
Through me.
Through my telling.
What should be will always haunt me.
She was here.
She was perfect.
She was mine and she is gone.
Still gone.
Despite two and a half years of prayers to the contrary.
My daughter Peyton is gone and the permanence of that is something I will struggle through all the days of my life.
What will be is beautiful,
but what should have been can never be forgotten.
***
Whether TTC, giving up on conceiving at all, waiting for a rainbow, carrying your rainbow, holding your rainbow in your arms, facing your first Mother's Day without the child you have lost, facing the tenth Mother's Day without the child you have lost, facing countless Mother's Days without ever having a child - regardless of where you are in your given journey, I know that Mother's Day can be the cruelest day on the calendar.
Please know I am keeping you all in my heart this Sunday.
